If Men Were Less Awful, Would SVU Be Wicked Boring?

And other answers to unsolicited questions.

Image: Jeffrey

“Why are men awful?” — Daisy Dismayed

Yes, that’s right. Men are terrible. I’d write that it wasn’t really their fault. But it is. They’ve created a system in which they will be forgiven for most offenses. Given a million chance to succeed or fail. The world is their smelly oyster. Some men individually are nice. But men in groups, be they the U.S. Senate or the Detroit Red Wings, are awful. Just awful. Let me apologize on behalf of us all. We’re sorry. Or at least we should be.

I’ve been a man for 44 years. And many of my friends are men. And let me tell you what happens whenever women are not around. It becomes like a Mamet/Tarantino/Labute homage. Men think dirty things. About practically everyone and everything. And we are constantly thinking dirty things even when we’re not speaking about doing dirty things. When a man checks you out on the street he will then turn to the nearest other man on the street and give him a look like “Did you see that?” And you’ll shrug or smile sheepishly to him. Or possibly you’re too busy checking that same person out to even see that guy. Or checking out that guy. We’re always checking you out. When we’re not manspreading or mansplaining. Which is the other two main things we’re doing with our time. We used to start a lot more wars. But now everyone just hacks each other.

Men have started and fought in all the wars in human history. They blamed that one war on Helen being so beautiful. That’s typical guy stuff. “This is all your fault for being so hot. Now we have to go kill all the Greeks.” Men have been unduly responsible for all the damage that we’ve done to this planet. Pollution, overpopulation, greed, episodes of “Star Trek: Voyager.” Those are mostly the fault of men.

Adam even blamed Eve for the whole Snake and Apple Thing. When we all know that had to go down some other way. Sure, women like bad boys. But who is the weakest link in that relationship? Adam. He already gave away one of his ribs. He’s easily talked into crazy things. Would you give a rib so that your wife would be born? Sure, I’m a lonely, horny 44-year-old. I would do that. But would you? So Adam throws Eve under the bus in front of God. When he dove right into that apple like it was nobody’s business. Men are also terrible because they’re always like “Who? Me?” when they do shady shit. Watch Draymond Green of the Golden State Warriors play basketball. He will continually hit people in the arms and kick them in the nuts. And then act like he never did this to the referees. Who do not buy his shit. Because he is a known crazy kick-you-in-the-nuts kind of guy. Just admit it, Draymond! Why can’t you just admit it?

Men supposedly have more upper-body strength than women. But I think the entire basis of men’s insecurity stems from the fact that women can have children come out of their bodies and men can’t. They stand around like morons while women are having babies, sometimes remembering to help with ice chips and back rubs. But mostly not, mostly just being entirely useless to this endeavor. And I think this uselessness affects men. It makes them do dumb things. Climb Mt. Everest. Play golf every weekend. Have affairs. Whatever. Women can do this amazing thing, men never can. So they want to control even that. Make you feel shame and fear and take your birth control pills away. Just because they feel inadequate.

Men also behave badly because their genitals are on the outside and can be easily kicked or punched by just about anyone. I’m a little surprised that men don’t wear protective cups all the time in public. Because just about anyone at any time can just come along and punch or kick you right in the junk. Which hurts worse than anything ever, although is quite amusing for others to watch. It hurts and you see stars and sometimes even throw up. It’s quite an emotional and physical roller coaster, getting hit in the junk. Which is what makes me so mad about Draymond Green. He must be doing that on purpose! Which makes me upset, because that really hurts.

What can you do about the men in your life that are jerks? You have to demand what you want plainly, and sometimes in writing. If they will read that. Men are less likely to read for pleasure than women. Women, in general, should basically be ruling everything. Men should be like worker bees. Would men act better if they were not expected to lead? Probably not. They would probably just be jerks about something else.

I don’t know what your particular gripe about men is. But whatever it is, men are probably at fault and you are right to think they’re terrible.

Jim Behrle lives in Jersey City, NJ and works in a bookstore.