Fill Your Bathtub with Gin and Borrow the Dune Books from the Library

And other answers to questions you didn’t ask.

Image: Ben Tesch

“Any tips for summer time?” — Summery Sam

Summer is once again upon us. I like to sit inside during the summer, right next to the air conditioner, in the dark, for hours and hours, and think about how we’ll all soon be dead. I mean, just pick a reason. Global warming would be the main reason. But that will probably take a while. North Korean EMP weapons, maybe. Those aren’t even real, but they’re sufficiently terrifying. Mostly I’m afraid of daleks from Doctor Who. They are so loud! Always screaming “exterminate!” as they roll around trying to kill you. Will you please shut up, daleks?

You, however, might have more ambitious summer plans. To climb things. To drink on roof decks. To get a vasectomy so gold diggers don’t trap you with a baby. That’s what summer is for. Leisurely pursuits and meaningless encounters. As we march closer and closer to winter, total darkness, another cliff overhanging an abyss of nonsense. You don’t listen to Wagner during the summer. You shouldn’t read Proust. Nobody’s brain works all that great when the sun is out. It’s time for stupidity to reign. So put your male romper on and spin, spin, spin your fidget spinner.

Everyone is very concerned about looking sexy during the summer. But I think it’s more important not to have certain parts of your body rubbing against other parts of your body. I consider summer The Chafing Season. And chafing must be avoided at all costs. Get a kiddie pool, fill it with ice, find some shade and remove yourself from society until early September. It will all still be there. The Trump Administration. Racism. Sexism. Showtime’s “The Affair,” for some reason. There is just no stopping that show. They are just going to keep making it until no one wants to have an affair again ever. Everything that you leave behind now will still be a huge honking problem in the Fall. Except you will feel more like doing something about it because the weather is less nice.

Get yourself some books. Books are great in the summer because they are mostly boring and you can fall asleep after reading the first page of The Fountainhead. Like I have. Every time I’ve tried it. Sleep is really the only truly relaxing thing. And nothing gets me there quicker than a thick, boring book. I am once again getting my box set of the Dune books down from the shelf and will venture to try to get past page 50 once again. It was bell hooks, I believe, who wrote “For in dreams we all drive Camaros.” I might be wrong about that. But it is a great quote and a great summer dream.

How have you ever even gotten to this point in this article? Shouldn’t you be enjoying a boozy drink next to the calming sound of waves next to some body of water? Summer is not made for pondering. We’ve been given this time to get away from it all. And you should use that time wisely. Tomorrow, we shall revolution! But today, pass the lemonade.

Jim Behrle lives in Jersey City, NJ and works in a bookstore.