Furiouser and Furiouser
FAST AND FURIOUS AND FINDING NEMO
INT. A DODGE CHARGER RECKLESSLY DRIVING UNDERWATER THROUGH PRECIOUS ENDANGERED CORAL REEF
Dom is wearing a scuba mask.
(Through bubbles, yelling)
NEMO NEEDS HIS FATHER
But didn’t he already find —
YOU NEVER LET DOWN FAMILY
I know but I think —
THE FAST PIRATES OF THE FURIOUS CARIBBEAN
INT: A PIRATE SHIP MADE ENTIRELY OF CAR PARTS
The crew is well-suited for the pirate lifestyle. Dom appears pleased with the sartorial choices of pirates, as well: cut-off everything. Gisele is practicing her sword skills on the rear end of the ship. Mia, as usual, nurses a child. Hobbs is plugging a hole on the main deck with his entire forearm.
Ha-HA! We really out here!
Shut up, Roman.
I’m about to get me some mermaid love!
Several dozen women in bikinis appear on the ship out of nowhere. “Danza Kuduro” plays. The team downs bottle after bottle of refreshing, delicious Corona.
Meanwhile, beneath the waters, an evil submarine lurks.
LA LA LAND
INT. A “JAZZ” CLUB
(Sitting at piano, smirking)
Here’s how I invented jazz —
A Dodge Charger suddenly drives through the brick wall of the club.
(Gruff, but yelling)
FAST & FURIOUS: THE BOSTON ONE
INT. SOMEWHERE IN BOSTON, IT DOESN’T MATTER.
I am nawt a cawp!
(Driving a cop car)
I am also nawt a cawp!
Who the f*ck is this guy?
Get a load of this freaking guy.
Fer chrissakes, are you a cawp or are you nawt a cawp?
CARS: FAST AND FURIOUS FOR KIDS
(Slowly taking in his now-animated surroundings)
I ain’t seen this many clown-ass mama’s boys since I volunteered in a children’s burn unit in Sao Paulo. Now which one of you fluffy little losers wants to dance with the devil tonight?
Hobbs, I don’t think this is that kind of movie…
HOBBS pulls a flamethrower from his trunk.
12 FURIOUS MEN
INT. JURY ROOM IN A COURTHOUSE IN SOUTH LOS ANGELES
Dom is wearing a business suit with the sleeves ripped off.
Do literally any of us know how the legal system works?
I mean, I was a cop back in the —
Dom, we haven’t decided on a verdict yet, this man’s life hangs —
LETTY, MIA, and the REST OF THE HOT FEMALE CHARACTERS airlift the team from the roof of the courtyard building.
(Voiceover from the helicopter)
WHERE I COME FROM, THE ONLY KIND OF JUSTICE IS CAR JUSTICE.
FAST & FURIOUS 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY
INT. A DODGE CHARGER FLOATING THROUGH SPACE
FAST AND FURIOUS: PINOCCHIO GRIFT
INT. GEPPETTO’S WORKSHOP.
The codes we need for the job are inside that wooden doll.
Ha ha, now you really playin’, man.
I don’t think he is, Roman.
I’m gonna break that candyass carpenter six ways to Sunday if that’s what I gotta do to get them codes.
HOBBS rips the door off Geppetto’s workshop and proceeds to break every one of his bones.
(Looking down at stolen Pinocchio doll)
You ain’t lying no more, boy.