How Do You Sleep?

Here’s what my nights are like now.

Photo: Ivan Malkin

BRAIN: Wake up, wake up!

ME: What? What is it? Fire? Is there a fire? Is someone breaking in?

BRAIN: No, I just wanted to hang out. I was lonely.

ME: It’s 3:17. In the morning.

BRAIN: The worst time to be alone.


BRAIN: Oh, when did you get so old? It used to be at 3:17 you’d be yelling, “The night is just getting started! Sleep is for the weak!”

ME: That was never true. If I remember correctly, the times I was out at 3:17 it was you who was all, “This is not going to end well.”

BRAIN: Oh, who even remembers? Anyway, we’re up now. Aren’t you worried about Trump?

ME: You know I can’t worry about anything else! It’s just a constant state of fear, every second! Even ignoring the uncertainty caused by his complete incompetence I’m horrified by what he’s enabling, or what the powers behind him are enabling. And Gorsuch? Oh my God, they are going to lock in this minority agenda for YEARS TO COME. It will take so much effort to undo these things that by the time they are finally fixed it will be too — wait a second.

BRAIN: No, go on, these are good points.

ME: You’re trying to keep me up! I’m EXHAUSTED, can we please go to sleep?

BRAIN: Remember the ‘80s? [Plays montage of ’80s news events and commercials, including the Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine jingle, Reagan saying “Tear down this wall,” and the “Diff’rent Strokes” episode where Dudley gets molested by the guy from “WKRP in Cincinnati.”]

ME: Stop that. Stop putting those things in my head all the time.

BRAIN: I’m so bored! And I’m not tired at all! I feel like we should just stay up until morning.

ME: You’re killing me. Please, please, please, I’ve been tossing and turning all night.

BRAIN: [Plays Bobby Lewis’ “Tossin’ and Turnin’”]

ME: Okay, that’s a little obvious even for you. Knock it off or I’m going to drown you in Ambien. I’m already a wreck during the day these days, you can’t take the nights away from me.

BRAIN: Fine. I’ll be quiet. Go to sleep. I’ll just adjust these neurotransmitters.

[Five minutes passes]

BRAIN: You think he’ll be impeached?