Weekend Service Changes

We apologize for any inconvenience.

Image: Michael

As a 24/7 transportation system, the MTA must occasionally make minor adjustments to its schedule in order to deliver world-class performance, and to prevent the stations from collapsing under the weight of accumulated urine. Here’s what to expect this weekend:

3 trains will skip Grand Army Plaza and Bergen St., then run express from Atlantic Avenue to New Lots Avenue in both directions. Between Chambers St. and 14th St., the 5 train will run on the 3 line. As an alternative, take the G train, which runs on the C line. The G train probably runs on the J line. Aces are 2s. Jacks are wild.

The 5 train will skip every other stop between Nevins St. and Union Square, then run express to Grand Central, where it will be held in the station for 23 minutes with no announcements. When you give up and exit the train, you’ll politely ask an MTA employee what’s going on. She will blankly stare at you before responding, simply, “Uh….” A second MTA employee will offer an indignant “I know as much as you do” before looking down at his phone.

The 4 train will stop at 42nd Street, and then, for reasons even we don’t understand, run on the D line to 145th Street. As an alternative, mumble something under your breath about de Blasio, before being reminded by your friend that it’s mostly the state’s fault. Then take an Uber.

Image: owlgray

The 9 train will resume service where it left off in 2005. Check the MTA website to see where we think it might go.

The C train will appear to be running smoothly until a garbled announcement that the train won’t stop at…was that your stop? Did he say your stop? Did anyone hear what he said?

The Q train will terminate at 96th St. While you admire the artwork at the sparkling new station, remind yourself that Shanghai built four new mass-transportation hubs in the last three weeks at one third of the cost of three new stops on 2nd Avenue. Smile ruefully as you contemplate America’s inexorable decline.

Due to a monthlong Andrew Cuomo press conference celebrating the opening of the three new stops, the Q will be running with intermittent delays.

There is no P train. There never was a P train. Who told you there was a P train? How long have you been standing there?

On Saturday from 1–4pm, the intercom on all D trains will be left on, producing a barely perceptible buzzing noise that only you seem to hear. As an alternative, puncture your eardrums and decorate the train car with your blood.

The J train will take an excruciating 17 minutes to cross the Williamsburg Bridge. As an alternative, walk to Brooklyn instead, and as you’re taking in the majestic skyline view, realize that you really don’t take advantage of the city the way you should. Impulse-buy a BAM membership you’ll never use.

The A train will appear to travel back in time to 1960 between Hoyt-Schermerhorn St. and Rockaway Boulevard, but that’s just because the train cars are 50 years old and there was a guy in a fedora sitting across from you. Snap yourself out of the delusion by grimacing at a Manhattan Mini Storage ad that’s trying way too hard.

Train arrival time will not be available on the R line due to an expected electronic malfunction. All countdown-clock kiosks will display a flashing Burberry ad instead. Visit burberry.com for more information.

Shuttle buses will be available, just generally.

Due to a passing rain shower, the L train will sit under the East River for 21 minutes. While you wait, ponder the Dominican woman cutting her nails, the black hipster listening to EDM you can somehow hear through his headphones 15 feet away, and the white businessman taking up two seats while a pregnant woman lingers nearby. Consider that the New Yorkers of all races, colors and creeds you encounter on the subway every day are a direct repudiation of the monster in the White House, and yet that on an individual level, they’re all so goddamn infuriating.

The 7 train will run normally.

We apologize for any inconvenience.

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