What Should I Be For Halloween?
Be an adult.
“I still haven’t figured out what to wear for Halloween. Any suggestions?” — Trick or Treat Tim
I love wearing costumes. I prefer to be the only one in costume. I used to fly on Christmas dressed as Santa and I have both an Easter Bunny costume and a Turkey one for Thanksgiving. But, I, too, am stumped about what to dress as this Halloween. This year we definitely need Halloween! I think we’ve earned it. Free candy makes everything better!
Adult costumes can be problematic. Sexy costumes are not very sexy. I would rather get busy with someone dressed as a normal bear than a sexy bear. And a regular librarian than a sexy librarian. Regular librarians are sexy enough for me. I don’t need much sexy.
Scary costumes are just annoying. Are you getting dressed up to scare kids on their holiday? The current creepy clown craze that’s sweeping the nation is super annoying. I’d be fine if they banned clowns from the earth. Clowns are all creepy. If you get caught trying to scare kids in a clown costume, they should make you serve your prison sentence dressed as a clown. Big shoes, red nose and bozo hair. That would be the end of that wacky craze.
I’m also not a big fan of Halloween costumes you have to guess at. Clever costumes, OK. But like “I’m dressed as the concept of irony?” Sure you are, Brooklynite.
Political costumes are out this year. I wore a Bush mask in Chelsea on Halloween during his presidency and some kid punched me right in the face. I guess me and President Bush deserved it. Trump, Obama or Clinton costumes are just not gonna get it done this year. What kind of candy would we give Hillary or Trump? We’re voting for you. Get your own damned candy.
My favorite thing about Halloween has become not dressing up. But walking down West Side Avenue here on the West Side of Jersey City and appreciating how all the kids are dressed up. Lots of Elsas, Spidermen and characters from video games I’d never heard of. And I get very excited when we actually get Trick or Treaters in my neighborhood! And also eating whatever candy is left over. We only got like 5 trick or treaters last year. There’s only a few houses in my neighborhood giving out candy every year. But the way kids light up when you’re giving out candy, that’s pretty awesome. Way better than getting drunk at some lame Halloween party.
So this year I’m thinking of being an adult on Halloween. Dressing like a dad. Wearing a polo and some dad jeans. It’s the costume people would least expect from me. What should you dress as? Someone who gives candy to kids.
“Who should I be cheering for in the World Series?” — Baseball Bob
Both teams are great and deserve to win the World Series. Both fan bases are terrific and have suffered for centuries. The Cleveland Indians came close against the then-Florida Marlins, only to lose in heartbreaking fashion in a classic Game 7. The Cubs haven’t been to the World Series since 1945. When most of the best baseball players were still serving in World War II.
These two teams have the longest current World Series droughts. It’s hard to cheer against either one. Their fans are great fans. These cities are great cities. I spent a week in Cleveland curled up into a ball for the Republican National Convention. I spent one night visiting a beautiful woman in Chicago like ten years ago. But what a night.
There are reasons to cheer against both teams. The Indians have a mascot that is alarming. Their nickname isn’t great either. But “Chief Wahoo” is a mascot that needs to find his way to the dustbin of history. And the Cleveland Cavaliers just won the NBA Championship. Winning a World Series would be like giving a Nobel Prize to me. We’d never hear the end of it. Cleveland would be the center of the sports universe. The Browns are perennially awful, but they are on track to get the #1 pick in the NFL Draft. Can Cleveland go from Believeland to Titletown in six short months?
Cubs fans, on the other hand, might be better off secretly wishing for the Cubs to lose. I remember after the Red Sox won their first World Series victory after 84 years. It was glorious. The Red Sox have won twice more since. But there is something a little less special about them now. Whether they win or lose is no longer life and death. I no longer hang on every pitch of every game. Without all the losing, the Red Sox are now just another pretty good team. The aura of mythology that swirled constantly around them was gone.
Would Cubs’ fans like the Cubs more if they actually won? Maybe. Their neighbors the White Sox broke a decades-long World Series drought of their own in 2005. Chicago is one of the best Sports towns in America. And a century of losing would have spelled the end of a franchise in almost any other American city. Ever heard of the St. Louis Browns? They’re the Baltimore Orioles now. Is it better to be a loveable loser? A team wins every year. Only the Cubs have never won this long.
You can’t lose cheering for either team. If the Cubs win, it will be amazing. When the Cubs lose it’s usually in spectacular, existential fashion. But Chief Wahoo must be admonished. The Cleveland Indians should not win until this offensive character is put out to pasture. And if the Cubs do win it may mean that the end of the world is nigh. Imagine that. Go Cubs!
Jim Behrle lives in Jersey City, NJ and works at a bookstore.