You’ll Be My Mancrush If You Can Get the Sticky Cheeto Stuck In My Navel Out
And other answers to unsolicited questions.
“I need a new mancrush. Any suggestions?” — Crushing Carl
I’m not a big proponent of the concept behind the phrase “No Homo.” We should all be comfortable enough with our masculinity, sexuality, id, ego and superego as straight men to express that we find other men attractive, appealing and just plain fucking cool. Hey, we all sucked a few dicks in college. Oh, wait. You didn’t? Well, you probably should have. You might have gotten it out of your system. And picked up a few helpful pointers along the way. Even though the New York Times took a lot of the fun out of being bisexual a few years back. They’ve since back-pedaled. But no one reads a correction, do they, New York Times? And even though you might have missed the Newsweek article in the 90s that declared the Rise of Bisexuality. We didn’t yet have an internet to tell us what to do back then. Or whom to do.
So if we’re entering a Brave New Age of Sexual Self-Assuredness, you will want to have a Celebrity Mancrush. Every sophisticated metropolitan lad will have at least one. Just as we are allowed a list of celebrity ladies the woman in our life must accept our possible infidelity with should the opportunity arise. Mine includes both Ann Coulter and Rachel Maddow as it so happens. The others are all ladies from commercials.
I’m a Red Sox fan, and yet I still think Derek Jeter is the coolest man on the face of the Earth. Even if he’s getting a little gray and a little pudgy and is down to one good leg, the man still has it. It’s more like an IT in all caps. He dated pretty women, married one of them, always says the right thing and does everything with Class. He also has a weird sarcastic sense of humor. Always a bonus when you’re already hot. We joke that we’re looking for sex partners with a sense of humor. That’s a lie. We’re looking for people we’re attracted to.
If Gary Cooper represented masculinity before most of us were born and Alan Alda represented the death of masculinity before most of you were born, Derek Jeter represents what masculinity has become in the new Century: reliability, with flashes of true brilliance. And not just on the basepaths and batters’ boxes. He’s the kind of man you wouldn’t mind taking Valtrex for. He’s got lots of time on his hands now that he’s retired. Go get ’em, tigers.
Matt Damon’s Jason Bourne is the man we all secretly wish we were. If we couldn’t spend a day knowing what it was like to be Derek Jeter. Confident and deadly. Able to kill you in the streets or grab your hand and show you the way. These days he’s walking around with his head shaved. Which works for some of us but not for others. Damon’s got a great sense of humor, looks like Tom Brady and seems like the kind of guy who would be fun shooting pool with or being locked in the closet with. My friend told me I was a Ben Affleck, which is why I’m attracted to Matt Damon. She’s up for the Booker Prize, so she’s probably right.
Try Steph Curry, Zach Galifianakis, Jay Z, Bill Clinton, Vladimir Putin, Drake, Tom Brady and The Entire Cast of “Magic Mike.” And, yes, even Donald Trump. Doesn’t that explain a lot of his following? Insecure men who just want to roll around in the sack with the Donald? Do yourself a favor, Trumpkins. Seduce him. And get it on YouTube. Before Election Day.
“My girlfriend likes baseball. I don’t know anything about it. How can I learn to enjoy it more?” — What The Hell’s a Balk?
Good for you, man. Trying to expand the things you appreciate to fit with your lady. Sadly, if you didn’t grow up with baseball you will probably never love baseball. It doesn’t make a lot of sense. It’s boring for long stretches. It captures an America that no longer exists. Until we can invent a sport called Racismball, Basketball and Football are much better sports to watch on TV. Hockey and Soccer are better sports to watch in person. Baseball is passed down from parents to kids. And when it’s at its best it reminds us of just the simple game of catch we wish we’d had more of.
So, play catch with your girlfriend. It’s awesome to play catch. Even in the apartment. Especially in the apartment. Just putting on leather gloves, smelling them, whipping whatever ball you can find around. Maybe you can’t throw or catch. Don’t worry about it. It’s the effort that counts. And if you do throw it well or catch it well, you will feel amazing. I spent most of my baseball career catching behind the plate. Basically watching the ball whizz by and going to the backstop to pick it up. I loved every minute of it. I would go back in time to any day I played little league and gladly strike out four times again if I could.
Wagering makes sports fun. Bet on the outcome with your buddies. Winning money is always totally more fun than earning it. Even $5 can turn a boring game into a barnburner. You can secretly get a mancrush on one of the players. Like Big Papi. Why not, he’s got a great smile, a lot of personality, and a great ass. Don’t knock it until you try it.
You can also just try to enjoy your girlfriend’s enthusiasm. You don’t need to say anything smart. Or do anything at all. Just be there with her and enjoy the time together. Winter is coming and “Game of Thrones” won’t be on until July. Keep your Khaleesi happy.
Jim Behrle lives in Jersey City, NJ and works at a bookstore.