Apple picking, Bernie Sanders, and iPhone updates
Hillary is whooping it up at HQ with her longtime staffer Huma. They’re kicking up their feet and discussing their favorite champagne when Hillary’s phone rings. It’s her campaign manager, with some news.
CAMPAIGN MANAGER: Your polls are great, but.
HILLARY [nearly shitting her pants]: But what?
CAMPAIGN MANAGER: But they don’t account for one thing. And it could be really, really damaging.
HILLARY: I know. All the people at Trump’s rallies who are voting for the first time in their lives.
CAMPAIGN MANAGER: No. I mean, yes, the basket of deplorables, of course. But also the millennials. The polls don’t account for the fact that they’re all participating in autumn activities, pumpkin patching, apple picking, craft beer tasting, and will be through Election Day. They might miss the vote.
HILLARY [demonstrating exactly why she has struggled to connect with young people her entire campaign]: They’re apple picking?
CAMPAIGN MANAGER: Like picking apples. From trees. At a farm, far away from their polling places. So we need to engage them somehow, and remind them to show up. Otherwise you will definitely lose.
HILLARY [speaking sternly so her campaign manager believes the rumor he heard that she once yelled at Rahm Emanuel so bad he puked in a waste paper basket right after]: Get your ass in here. We need to fix this.
CAMPAIGN MANAGER [used to this by now]: I’m in Texas. We’re gaslighting Trump, like you said. Maybe call Bernie? He’s good with young people.
Hillary calls Bernie Sanders. Huma begins recording her boss on her phone, and posting the best clips to social media with zippy editorial.
BERNIE: Hello? Is this a butt dial? Who is this?
HILLARY [enunciating]: Hillary. I need help reaching the millennials.
BERNIE [rolling his eyes so far they get stuck in the top of his head]: I thought we did that already. At your convention. With those comediennes.
HILLARY: My campaign says the millennials are all too busy apple picking to vote.
BERNIE: Apple picking? Are they at a work camp?
HILLARY: No, like for fun. And doing pumpkin things. This is serious, Bernie.
BERNIE [not listening]: When I was a kid in Brooklyn, trick-or-treating, we egged the houses that gave us apples. They were the shittiest neighbors. [Bernie laughs to himself, remembering one neighbor who threw slices of bologna at the kids like they were Frisbees.] No, scratch that, the shittiest neighbors handed out slices of bologna. Call the President. I stole his play book. He did what I did, but successfully.
HILLARY: Really? [Hillary looks to Huma who shrugs that Bernie is right. He did do what President Obama did eight years ago, but clumsily. Hillary calls Barack Obama.]
BARACK: Hillary! This is so exciting. You’re finally going to be President. [Barack is sitting with his daughter Malia and they are both ready to leave the White House forever.]
HILLARY: Ugh, that’s what I thought, but then my campaign manager just told me I am losing the millennial vote to apple picking. You’re the expert. How do I reach them?
BARACK: Oh geez. My millennials were way easier to reach than yours are. I had will.i.am cut a music video and that was enough.
HILLARY [thinking of her iPod playlist]: Who can make me a music video? Kings of Leon?
BARACK: Personally, I like Drake.
MALIA [texting Huma that Hillary is on the phone with her dad, then inserting a crying face emoji, and then inserting a gun emoji]: Drake’s Canadian, Dad.
BARACK [to Malia]: Then who were you listening to in that photo I saw of you playing a drinking game and I hope not on drugs?
MALIA: We’re not calling Chance the Rapper. He was just here at your state dinner. That’s corny. [Malia texts Huma another five crying face emoji and eleven more gun emojis.] It’s 2016. Why can’t we just Venmo money to the candidate we want?
BARACK [to Malia]: That’s not how this works, honey. Now who can Hillary call for help?
MALIA: Try the guy from Hamilton.
BARACK: Try the —
HILLARY: I heard. Thanks.
Hillary phones Lin-Manuel Miranda.
LIN-MANUEL [in an airport bookstore]: Secretary Clinton! I was literally staring at my phone waiting for VIPs to call me to tell me how much they cried when they saw Hamilton for the first time. How much did you cry?
HILLARY [incredulously]: Malia Obama said I should call you about millennial voter outreach. They love you?
LIN-MANUEL: Malia Obama is talking about me? [Lin-Manuel group messages Jimmy Fallon and Hoda Kotb that Malia is talking about him.] That’s so amazing. But I’ve got to be honest with you: millennials don’t go to my show. Charlie Rose and Rosie O’Donnell do. And I think they’re voting for you already.
HILLARY: Fuck. Yes. What should I do then?
LIN-MANUEL: Alexander Hamilton sometimes worked with his enemy Thomas Jefferson to undermine his other enemy Aaron Burr. Who is an enemy you can work with?
[Hillary calls George W. Bush.]
GEORGE W. [filing his finger nails because he is so bored watching the world burn]: Hillary! Your campaign emailed me four times today. Seriously, girl.
HILLARY [exhaling and then taking what’s hers]: I need assistance winning the election.
GEORGE W. [looking at his finger nails by extending his hand, palm facing out, and not fingers bent towards palm, like you’d expect.]: Well, when I needed help, the Supreme Court was there for me.
HILLARY: I have four votes there, but Trump, assuming Justice Kennedy ever wants to retire, has the other four. When it’s tied it goes back to wherever the case came from. Is that right?
GEORGE W. [pronouncing LOL]: Lol.
HILLARY: Ugh, I know. What the fuck should I do? [Huma motions to Hillary to ease into warrior pose. She directs Hillary to put her sunglasses on, and then videos Hillary in this power stance. She tags the video #warrior.]
GEORGE W.: Sounds like you might need to rig this thing. You need to call Dick Cheney.
HILLARY [making a jerk-off motion to Huma, who captures the obscenity on Snapchat. She adds a queen emoji to the image]: Ughhhhh.
GEORGE W.: I know. He sucks. I haven’t talked to him since Lehman Brothers collapsed. Or was it Katrina? Which one was the bank again? [George W picks up his dog’s leash. He is about to take her for a jog, even though he knows, at his pace, that’s kind of cruel to the animal.] I’m kidding. Barclays forever. Maybe try Karl Rove?
Hillary has Karl Rove’s number and uses it for the second time. The first was when, eight years ago, she floated to him the idea of a Wesley Clark unity ticket.
HILLARY: Karl, I need help rigging an election.
KARL [finishing up an entire bag of goldfish crackers]: President Clinton! The only way I know how to rig an election is to suppress certain kinds of votes.
HILLARY: What do you mean by certain kinds of votes? [Hillary has an idea what Karl means, you’d have to have been sleeping through all eight years of the Bush presidency to not, but, ever the careful lawyer, she clarifies in case anyone is tapping her phone, and this conversation can one day be used against her.]
KARL [knowing Hillary knows what he means but playing along]: Like specific demographics.
HILLARY: OK, well, here is my deal. I’m losing the young vote.
KARL [baffled]: Like young hillbillies?
HILLARY: No, like all of them. They’re all out doing fall activities. That’s what my campaign manager tells me, at least.
KARL: Heh. [Karl pumps fist.] OK, this is easy. You need to suppress the vote of a demographic that would counterbalance that vote. Which is to say, you need to suppress the vote of the parents of the millennials. You need to suppress the baby boomer vote. [Karl rubs the Steve Miller Band poster hanging above him, and smirks, because he for one is happy that baby boomers continue to exert an outsized influence on both federal elections and inductions into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.]
HILLARY: I thought their parents were with me but how do you mean?
KARL: Jesus Christ. I thought you were the smart one. Call Tim Cook at Apple and ask him to push an iphone update. This change will overwhelm the boomers and, frustrated, they’ll have to call their kids for support. They’ll all miss the vote. And you’ll win. Narrowly. Because I don’t know who else votes if the millennials and boomers all sit this one out?
HILLARY: Yeah, same.
Hillary mimes “Should we do this?” to Huma, still filming. Huma nods yes.
HILLARY: Hi Tim. It’s Hillary. I need to ask you a huge favor. It’s complicated, but — I’ll email you.
TIM [also finishing up an entire bag of Goldfish crackers]: Whatever you need, Hillary. Like I told you when we ran into each other at Davos, and then again at our secret spa in Iceland, and then again at Oprah’s ranch, and then again, weirdly enough, that day you took the Subway in New York, I am happy to help influence this election.
Hillary mouths “Yay” to Huma, who is finishing her viral video. Hillary, satisfied she has accomplished yet another task, tries to call her campaign manager. But her phone crashes.
HILLARY: Damn it.
Malia texts Huma, OMG this Snapchat story. Girl raising hand emoji. Purple devil emoji. Huma rushes to Hillary’s side.
HUMA: Secretary Clinton. While you were calling everyone I was making a Snapchat story, where you are a nasty woman badass. It already has 30 million views, and most are millennials. They stopped apple picking to watch you on their phone. We’re going to do this.
HILLARY [not concentrating because her phone is malfunctioning]: OK, but can you fix this?
Hillary makes a crying face emoji and prayer hands emoji but IRL.
Luke Mazur is on Twitter.