Wow, Another Wallet. Thanks.

Just what I wanted, again.

by Nick and Hallie Bateman

Illustration by Nick Bateman

Like I said last Father’s Day, it’s comforting to know that I will never need to buy another wallet. In fact, at this point, you’re giving me wallets I’ll likely be leaving you in my will.

Hey, I’m just messing with you! Don’t be sad. I really do appreciate the thought that went into this. The symbolism of the wallet really expresses what I am to you: a bank. A holding place for money.

What you didn’t get me says a lot too, about how little you listen to me. Seriously, I dropped so many hints about what I wanted. I talked about golf stuff for weeks. When that commercial for that new Audi came on, remember? I said, “Man, I’d love a car like that.” When nobody responded I said it louder: “MAN, I’D LOVE A CAR LIKE THAT.” (Cheryl, it’s one thing that the kids didn’t pick up on that, but you?!)

I know, I know, you’re a busy kid, you’ve got a lot going on. All that hopscotch, or whatever the hell I’ve been washing off the sidewalk all month. You don’t really have time to think about me, and what my interests are outside of feeding, clothing, and medicating you. I’m happy that you get to live in such a safe little world! You haven’t even had your hamster die yet! You still get to cry about candy!

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to sound resentful. I love the wallet, I really do. Maybe I just want a little appreciation for everything I do around here! What do you think happens when the dog gets sprayed by a skunk and you run inside? That’s 40 goddamn minutes of dad work. You think it was your sister who re­-shingled the roof? Hell no, that was all dad. And don’t get me started on how much of your science fair entry I had to build. I deserved half of that gift card but I held my tongue during the awards ceremony because I am your damn father. I didn’t speak up when you got your mother yet another pair of earrings for Mother’s day. I swallowed my pride on Christmas, when you gave me a damn lego set. You flat­out forgot my birthday two years in a row and I said nothing. But today it feels like too much.

(All I said for soooo long was that I wanted golf stuff. I have been getting into golf, I made it so clear…)

Now, hey ­­ what’s this! Another gift? You let me yammer on and on about the wallet and you had another gift the whole time? My gosh, I’m sorry. The wallet is great. This is great! Haha.

Sometimes I get so caught up in being this serious dad figure, I forget that I can learn a thing or two from you crazy kids.

I can’t wait to see what you got me here. Let’s open it up…

A watch?

Another watch.

Wow…. thanks.

Nick and Hallie Bateman are a sibling writing duo based in California.