I Want To Be A Millennial Whisperer

It’s only Wednesday but I guess the emergent themes of this week are that most jobs are meaningless bullshit and the obsession over millennials is as unceasing as it is uninteresting. For example:

“Millennial issues also have become a source of income for a host of self-anointed experts who say they can interpret young workers’ whims and aspirations — sometimes for as much as $20,000 an hour.

You are rolling your eyes, I know. But there is good news about this “intergenerational consulting” scam, even for those of us who were born before the Reagan administration:

“You don’t have to be a millennial to be an expert. [A millennial expert], who is 41 years old, identifies as a ‘proud Gen Xer’ in speaking engagements — the better to relate to her clients, who tend to be members of the slacker generation or baby boomers, she said.

The more remarkable news is that companies will pay dumb money for the most basic bullshit about how their Nickelodeon-nostalgic employees want to be driven by a “noble purpose,” so if you can simply create some kind of virtuous verbiage with which to sucker them in you will never run out of cash to spend on the exploitative services that are now the only things we produce in this country. Actually, what the fuck am I still doing here blogging? As a generational consultant myself I am very happy to provide your company the kind of consulting services you need to trick your idiot 20-somethings into thinking that the GIF-collections they assemble each day serve some greater good. Get in touch! My rates are relatively reasonable considering just how important this work really is.

Photo by Photographee.eu, via Shutterstock