A Guide To Wearing Shorts

If You Are An Adult Man Who Is Wondering About What You Should Wear On Your Legs Here Is What You Need To Know

Are you actually golfing?

Welcome to the hot days! (If you are old enough to have watched the nightly news you will remember the traditional reminder each year around this time that “Memorial Day marks the unofficial beginning of summer,” and although it seemed dicey as the weekend crept closer, it looks as if the holiday will be seasonally appropriate after all.) What with the warm weather — it will be in the high 80’s in the New York area until Monday — it seems like a good time to go over the ground rules about grown men and short pants. Do you have questions? Let’s get you sorted.

I am a grown man. Can I wear short pants?


Wait, really?

Are you a grown man or not?

Yeah, but I see plenty of guys out there in shorts.

Do they make you think, “That is the look for me,” or “That is a strange outfit for someone who is no longer a child to wear?”

So no shorts at all for guys? Isn’t that a little extreme?

It’s a lot extreme, and let me tell you why: IT IS THE ONLY LANGUAGE YOU PEOPLE UNDERSTAND. Look, there are plenty of places where shorts are acceptable for those of you who are no longer in grade to school to flash your uncovered legs: If you’re on the beach or the tennis court or at some other event in which you are expending physical energy shorts are not only appropriate but actively preferred. I might even see the argument that you can walk about in the city of a summer weekend (emphasis on weekend and additional emphasis on summer, since most of the people you’ll see then are tourists anyway and given how they are dressed anything short of assless chaps will still leave you more appropriately-attired) in an approved pair of legless trousers. But far too many of you seem to think it is perfectly fine to show up at work in cargo pants and the other abominations (half slacks, dude capris, and hotpants) that pass for legwear in our rapidly-crumbling society. You are the people who are ruining it for everyone else. You are the reason we have to say no to shorts.

Screw you, I’m going to wear what I want.

That’s totally fine. One of the great things about adulthood is the freedom it allows you to make your own decisions. If one of those choices is TO DRESS LIKE A CHILD there is nothing we can do to stop you. All we can do is gossip with everyone else about how foolish and juvenile you look, which, rest assured, we are doing. That laughter you hear on summer days is not an expression of delight with the season. It’s everyone around you mocking your calves. Just for the moment consider what sort of message you’re sending, okay? Please put on some pants, if not for yourself then for the children who will one day hopefully develop the sense of decorum you are doing so much to help erode. Thank you. Have a great summer.