Forget Scalia! Justice Roberts Is a Total Marriage Moron

“the Court invalidates the marriage laws of more than half the States and orders the transformation of a social institution that has formed the basis of human society for millennia, for the Kalahari Bushmen and the Han Chinese, the Carthaginians and the Aztecs.” — Justice Roberts, dissent, Obergefell v. Hodges

Everyone loves to read a grumpy Justice Scalia dissent. He’s the best! And he’s already a parody of himself, although he parodies well. But you can’t breeze past the other dissents! They contain the delicious bit above from our Chief Justice. What a fascinating assertion! It’s just one of the many lies they tell about marriage for the social order. Shall we do this in order?

1. “The Kalahari Bushmen”

— The Bushmen

So a people who were, you know, mostly only married to one person at a time. In marriages that were sometimes arranged before people were even born. Who also sensibly practice infanticide when the lives of the family were threatened by the birth of a new child.

2. “The Han Chinese”

Tell us more about the millennia-old marriage traditions of Han Chinese civilization, Mr. Chief Justice

— Tom Scocca (@tomscocca) June 26, 2015

No but for real. You can’t even begin to understand these marriage customs, which we would find offensive and extra-legal in many of the specifics.

— Marriage and Inequality in Chinese Society.

3. The Carthiginians

There’s still a good bit of argument about whether they sacrificed babies in Carthage or not, or whether that was some sort of religious heresy, but it certainly has been handed down.

— Elements of Modern History. Oh right, also: “temple prostitutes.”

4. The Aztecs

Glad we saved the polyamorous, class-bound, common-law hand-fasting, trial-marriage-having Aztecs for last!

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— Women in the Crucible of Conquest: The Gendered Genesis of Spanish American Society, 1500–1600

So very sorry we ruined all these cultures’ definition of marriage retroactively into prehistory!!!! Oh also some parts of ancient Rome, North Africa and China all had gay marriages???

Also this seems to be the same kind of dog whistle that the very odd Scalia diversity thing is mined from. Sorry that’s a mixed metaphor! But when the Court starts appealing to “the people” in this way, something smelly is afoot.