Breaches of Subway Etiquette, Ranked

by Brendan O’Connor

its showtime

54. Gross kissing.
53. Talking on the phone on an above-ground train.
52. Talking on the phone on a subterranean train (how???).
51. Being a dick to the people handing out copies of the day’s AM New York or Metro New York.
50. Not moving so a pair of friends can sit together.
49. Not making way for people transferring across the platform from one train to another.
48. Not taking your backpack off and putting it between your feet when the train is crowded.
47. Not consolidating your groceries.
46. Rolling your eyes at someone with a stroller.
45. Not distributing evenly across the entire platform.
44. Not getting out of the Showtime Kids’ way.
43. Acknowledging the Showtime Kids in any way other than to get out of their way and maybe watch out of the corner of your eye and smile a little bit, unless they’re really good.
42. Bringing your bike on the train (non-rush hours)
41. Eating smelly food.
40. Eating messy food.
39. Eating food that looks good.
38. Bringing non-service animals onto the train during rush hour.
37. Making eye contact.
36. Singing.
35. Talking loudly.
34. Talking to your friend who is sitting on the other side of the car.
33. Talking to me.
32. Exiting through the turnstiles when there is a rush of people trying to make the train.
31. Exiting through the turnstiles after someone has already just swiped.
30. Failing to swipe your MTA card correctly more than three times; it’s not your fault, but you still need to get in the back of the line and start over.
29. Sticking your feet out into the middle of the subway car when sitting.
28. Not giving the kid selling snacks a dollar for a snack (unless he’s being extremely annoying about it).
27. Spilling a liquid on the seat and not cleaning it up.
26. Listening to music without headphones.
25. Listening to music with headphones, but super loudly.
24. Beatboxing.
23. Not offering a swipe, on your way out, if you have an unlimited monthly card, to people who are looking for a swipe.
22. Anything that would otherwise normally take place in a bathroom:
a. Picking nose.
b. Cleaning ears.
c. Clipping nails.
21. Bike on the train (rush hours)
20. Not moving to the center of the car when it’s crowded.
19. Leaving your garbage behind — except today’s newspaper.
18. Walking too slowly up the left side of the escalator.
17. Stopping on the left side of the escalator.
16. Stopping on the staircase to send an email or text message.
15. Stopping at the bottom of the stairs or escalator.
14. Stopping at the top of the stairs or escalator.
13. Stopping anywhere, for any reason, other than the platform.
12. Using your laptop on the train.
11. Manspreading.
10. Not moving in order to maximize the number of bodies that can fit on the bench.
9. Not leaning forward, to allow more people to sit back, if you are a wider person.
8. Getting frustrated with other people on the bench. You’re sitting — check your prviasjldfk.
7. Leaning against the middle pole with your whole body.
6. Not getting up for a pregnant lady, or an elderly person, or a person with a handicap, or a person who has sustained a debilitating injury.
5. Not helping someone with a stroller carry the stroller up or down the stairs.
4. Holding the door for someone who is oh-my-god-so-close-please-hold-the-door to making the train. Leave them, they’re on their own now. It’s not your responsibility to help them get to work on time.*
3. Not letting people get off the train first before getting on it.
2. Not getting out of the way of people getting off the train.
1. Drinking a drink from a can or bottle and letting the condensation drip onto someone who is seated.

* However, if they do get a foot or hand in the door, you should help them open it, because good effort.