How To Fix The Internet

The one change that would make everything better.

Someone opened a bunch of new tabs. Photo: John Getchel

What if there were some kind of function in your browser that, each time you clicked “Open link in new tab,” prevented you from opening the link until you answered the question “Do you really want to open another tab, knowing as you do from years of experience that each new tab you open only brings you distraction at best and more often than not increases the sum total of impatience, disdain and sheer horror in your heart about the state of the Internet, the state of the world and above all your sorry place in it, that you cannot click away from the emptiness inside you no matter how many other tabs you open, and there is never a better tab at the end of any click, it’s just one more dark void that mocks your uselessness and reminds you that everything is terrible and only getting worse? Do you really want to open that tab, or do you want to shut the whole thing down and go read a book or something?” and if you still clicked “open the tab” it delivered a short burst of small-volt electricity that stunned but did not completely incapacitate you until even the thickest among you developed an aversion to tab opening so that, after a while, you just stopped opening tabs until you finally realized that you were better off not opening your browser altogether? I am not very tech savvy so I don’t know how feasible this is but, you know, shouldn’t we be working on this rather than curing baldness and droopy dong? I feel like we should. Thank you for your attention.