by Kevin Lincoln

@[redacted]: #StandUpFor soft drinks, duh

@[redacted]: #StandUpFor real cold soft drinks, realllllll cold

@[redacted]: I’ve, uh, I’ve been alerted that maybe last couple tweets were out of line. Will conduct a full investigation now

@[redacted]: oh my god

@[redacted]: oh my god, I’m so sorry

@[redacted]: I’m so sorry

@[redacted]: I did not look into that hashtag before I participated in it. I am looking now. there is no room for soft drinks

@[redacted]: I was just trying to spread happiness. I apologize to everyone, everywhere. for once, soft drinks aren’t needed

@[redacted]: @[redacted1] I’m so sorry you were offended. I didn’t mean it. I really do stand up for soft drinks, tho. ride or die

@[redacted]: @[redacted1] no, you’re right, that’s also insensitive, I didn’t mean to belittle the situation, I’m doubly sorry

@[redacted]: @[redacted2] please don’t call me that

@[redacted]: @[redacted2] I mean, I see your point, but I think saying I’m worse than ISIS is mean

@[redacted]: @[redacted2] no, OK, you’re right, I’m sorry, I am, I really am worse. god I fucking hate soft drinks

@[redacted]: @[redacted2] I didn’t mean that

@[redacted]: Please, if everyone could stop retweeting what I said about hating soft drinks, I was frustrated, I didn’t mean it

@[redacted]: I love soft drinks

@[redacted]: dammit why can’t you delete tweets

@[redacted]: @[redacted3] wait, what

@[redacted]: I’ve just learned that you can delete tweets. this is great. earfuck yourselves you clowns

@[redacted]: Good morning! #empower your thirst with 64 ounces of a soft drink from [redacted]

@[redacted]: @[redacted4] are you fucking serious

@[redacted]: @[redacted4] I’m so sorry

@[redacted]: I’m so sorry, everyone. please don’t earfuck yourselves. I don’t even know what that means

@[redacted]: I thought if I deleted the tweets everyone would forget about them

@[redacted]: but they didn’t

@[redacted]: secondly, I once again misinterpreted a hashtag and used it to spread the gospel of soft drinks

@[redacted] #thegospelofjesussays drink a soft drink

@[redacted]: apparently that last tweet was both insensitive and apocryphal

@[redacted]: @[redacted5] I’m so sorry, God doesn’t deserve this shit, or Jesus

@[redacted]: @[redacted5] I’m sorry I cursed

@[redacted]: @[redacted5] please pray for me

@[redacted]: @[redacted6] I’m not just a soft-drink twitter account, I’m a human being and that’s hurtful

@[redacted]: @[redacted6] no, you’re right, I can’t prove that my brain isn’t goat cheese, I don’t know, I’m sorry

@[redacted]: @[redacted7] what

@[redacted]: @[redacted7] speak English you clown

@[redacted]: I’m sorry, I and soft drinks love you all no matter what language you speak

@[redacted]: #gandhiwould’ve had a soft drink right about now

@[redacted]: @[redacted8] no, not hunger-striking gandhi, that’s ridiculous

@[redacted]: @[redacted8] gandhi was not always on a hunger strike his whole life, that’s ridiculous

@[redacted]: I’m so so sorry, I’ve just been informed that gandhi did a lifelong hunger strike so he couldn’t have enjoyed a soft drink

@[redacted] tough life, amirite

@[redacted]: @[redacted9] you’re fucking kidding me

@[redacted]: look everyone, I know I screwed up, but don’t mess with me, I knew gandhi didn’t never eat or drink in his life

@[redacted]: you all think gandhi would’ve endorsed this shit

@[redacted]: with great power comes great responsibility, gandhi said that, I’ve got great power, I am soft drinks

@[redacted]: @[redacted10] motherfucker

@[redacted]: @[redacted10] no, not you, I’m just frustrated, I’m sorry


@[redacted]: retweet if you like soft drinks

@[redacted]: please

Kevin Lincoln is a writer in Los Angeles. Photo by Michael Holmes.