This Month's Omen Forecast from the American Realtor's Association

by Chris Braiotta

Hello, realtor! The spring real estate season is here and that means one thing: hustle! But there’s more to it than that. Maybe “sell in the spring” was all the market timing they needed in caveman days. We all know it’s not that easy anymore. In today’s competitive scene, the winning agent is the one who can read the signs everyone else missed and anticipate where the market’s going on a day-by-day basis. Good Selling and Happy Spring!!!

On The Seventh Day
A man holds a ruffled potato chip. He looks to the sky. A bird explodes. The explosion is shaped like another bird. On that block look for a do-it-yourselfer with great potential and off street parking that will go for 20% below market because owner has to relocate. New washer/dryer!

On The Ninth Day
A baby with disturbing elegance is born in Texas. To a woman. Name of: Joanice. Split level ranch with updated kitchen in this up and coming neighborhood is a must see.

Thursday of Yellows
In a city of horses, horses of leisure, twelve sparrows alight on a building’s roof. Beneath that roof, a woman discovers a birthmark on her husband. It is shaped as a calf’s mouth, braying in mute terror. When she touches it she smells ozone and hay. She kisses her husband. The kiss is unremarkable. Exactly one week later, there will be a short sale by owner in this doorman building with pool and terrace access! Parquet floors and low HOA fees!

The Ides
A woman wakes at midnight. Her bed is soaked in blood, but her body seems sound. The blood drips upwards. 1920’s Craftsman with attached sunroom next door has powderpost beetles.

On The Day of Shroves
A dog shrieks. He is mistaken for the singing of: Cyndi Lauper. He stands in the rain next to a fountain that runs with ash. A frog swims upside down in a puddle. Within twenty miles, lofts with good access to transit will see all-cash offers of $60k above asking!

Juliette Lewis’s Birthday
Lightning strikes an oak tree on a bald hill. An owl lands on the tree and vomits a still-living mouse. The mouse does not run. It has a diamond stud earring. Clip-on or pierced? It is unclear. The owner of the charming farmhouse loaded with period detail in the adjoining lot is lying about screening for lead. Not good for families with children under 30.

The Third Week
A goat is found wandering next to a creek. The creek is in a desert of leaf litter. The goat has double slitted eyes and an extra tail that hangs like ripened fruit. This is the day interest rates hit five week low. Great time to buy!

A cat is in heat, his calls sound like he is saying “condo.” Bad day to get cancer.

Chris Braiotta is an opinionated pedant who lives near Boston, MA. His writing has appeared here and there, and he helps run Boston’s Tardy Eagle, which is sort of a funny thing, kind of. Recently, he co-starred in and co-scored the short film “Fecund Blessings” which you should book a screening of.

Photo by Malevda on Flickr.