by Matthew J.X. Malady
People drop things on the Internet and run all the time. So we have to ask. In this edition, New York magazine sex columnist Maureen O’Connor tells us more about clitoris threading.
Today in horrific Gchats from friends: “I went to this Indian hair removal lady and she threaded my clit. It hurt SO BAD.”
— Maureen O’Connor (@maureenoco) April 9, 2014
Maureen! So what happened here?
I was Gchatting with my friend Beejoli, when she informed me that a freak hair-removal incident had nearly resulted in her clitoris getting ripped off by a rapidly whirling piece of string.
My exact response:
Then I inquired, “YOU CAN THREAD A COOCH?”
Her reply: “Well I got waxed first, and my Indian waxer in LA will tweeze a few strays, nothing big. But this one in New York THREADED. They don’t use tweezers ever or something. Like, threading is literally making a tiny loop to rip out hair, and you know what else fits in a tiny loop? MY CLIT.” My response: “Did it come off?” Her: “It hurt SO BAD but I will say, she got every hair. Every single one.”
At this point, Beejoli texted another friend for a reality check. Not only had this friend experienced clit threading, but she was INTO it. Beejoli relayed her friend’s words: “What’s the big deal? You’re so numb after the wax it’s a nice buzz. It feels kind of cool.” I LOLed until I CryOLed. Then I tweeted about it. Then I continued CryOLing. Much like clit threading, a good CryOL can feel nice when you are shocked and numb and dead all over.
I once took a cake-decorating class. The best way to slice an ornately frosted cake, we learned, is to hold a piece of dental floss taut between your hands and lower it through the thick cake as though it is a garrote. That mental image was in my mind the day I learned about clit threading.
Is there a personal hygiene process men partake in that would be anywhere near the same ballpark as this in terms of pain and agony and unbelievable-ness?
Circumcision comes to mind, but since the non-anesthetized version of that act is performed only on infants whose brains lack the ability to form lasting memories, the precise pain level is difficult to know. I suspect actually having the tip of your penis chopped off is worse, though. The only excuse for America’s sexist double standard in genital grooming is the fact that most of our men are probably suffering from penis-related PTSD already.
Lesson learned (if any)?
A good way to encourage pubic grooming in men would be to create a BDSM dungeon where the dommes are trained in hair removal.
Just one more thing.
I know Beejoli because I wrote a rude gossip item about her sex life once. She befriended me sometime thereafter, either because she is forgiving or because living with a slang term for a sex act embedded in her first name has provided the emotional fortitude necessary for our friendship. In conclusion, “Keep calm and your clit on,” Beej says.
Matthew J.X. Malady is a writer and editor in New York.