Baseball Season is here, and if you are not very Sporty, you might be all like: “Baseball? Big deal, I don’t care about your stupid ‘America’s Pastime,’ it’s just for awful horrible stupid average people who want to Conform and be Average Americans with their Coors Light and ‘Two entrees and an appetizer for $20’ at Chilis, and their porky insulin-shock-at-any-moment kids and Wal-Mart — or maybe Target because it has a Starbucks now — and a minivan — or better yet a Dodge Magnum station wagon — and “relaxed fit” jeans and XXXL sleeveless “muscle” shirts from Costco and coupons for Gino’s Pizza Rolls and low-fat frozen fudge bars because those are healthier and ‘hey, maybe we should check out JC Penneys because it’s better now, they have Martha Stewart’ and wait, what were we talking about, what did you say? ‘Baseball?’ I don’t care about Baseball, I’ve heard about the awful things that happen in the stands at Baseball games with people who think they have the right to behave like animals because they bought a ticket to a game, don’t try and force your Mediocrity on me, go read a book.”
I enjoy Baseball, but I understand why somebody might say Baseball is boring, or dull, or not exciting, or tiresome, or seemingly endless, or boring, or: boring. I also understand that feeling about how there’s Pressure from Society, sorta forcing you to go along with “everybody” and participate in a thing designed for the Masses, and be Unexceptionally American or whatever. But I also say you should give it a try, just as like, not an adventure in Bordeom, but rather an experiment in Relaxation, and take in a Baseball game once Summer is in full effect, OK? It would help if you like beer.
You don’t even have to go to a place where they have Baseball games, in fact, you should take in a game on the radio or an Internet. Just listen to a Baseball game as described for radio. Again, do you like beer, because that’s a big part of it, relaxation-wise.
Beer is a way that people relax, and no offense if you are an Alcoholic, please do not have a beer, because that would be Bad for you, but you can totally participate in this activity with any other kind of refreshing beverage you favor.
I am saying if you are not an alcoholic, if you are somebody who has a beer or two and does not have it get in the way of the rest of your day or life, you should consider experiencing a Baseball game as described by a professional Baseball Describer using only words, spoken into a microphone, with some natural sound of the event audible in the background, as you sip an icy-cold beer on a hot summer’s day.
You could have a nice glass of iced tea if you don’t want a beer, or you could have a “Half and Half,” also known as an “Arnold Palmer,” which is half iced tea and half lemonade, and named after a famous Golf player, and plus, it’s funny to be recommending something connected to a Golfer for this exercise in Relaxation Through Baseball on account of how boring Golf is, no offense to any Golfers out there, but seriously, Golf is the only sport that has a bar built in to a lot of the golf courses, you know? They call it the “19th Hole,” and you go there after you play Golf to talk about how boring Golf is. Kidding, come on, you go to the “19th Hole” after a Golf game to get drunk. That “Arnold Palmer” drink? There’s a famous drinker/golfer named John Daly who used to put vodka in it. Anyway, I’m just playing about Golf being boring; as long as you bet on each hole, Golf is super exciting. At some Golf places you can drink on the field, they have people driving around serving stuff, it’s almost as easy to get loaded while you play Golf as it is to get bombed when you are Bowling. OK, nothing is as easy as getting fucked up while you are Bowling. There would be no non-professional Bowling without drinks of alcohol, except for maybe when they do kiddie birthday parties at bowling alleys and put bumpers in the gutters so no kids will roll a gutterball, but I’m pretty sure they serve hella beers during those parties to the grownups. But let’s get back to the game, OK?
Some sunny afternoon this summer, figure out a way to listen to a radio broadcast of a baseball game in the privacy of your own home or out in whatever Outdoor Element you can scare up. Don’t listen to the TV. A radio description of baseball is different from the one on TV, because the announcers on TV know you are looking at pictures, so they don’t have to really describe anything, whereas on the radio, the announcers need to tell you about the sky, the wind, what the players are wearing, and then, in way greater detail than on TV, they need to describe the activity on the Baseball diamond, the “action,” if you will. I know, “action,” but you also do not need to understand what’s going on, just listen or half-listen.
Anyway, it’s a hot afternoon, you got nothing going on until later, turn on the ball game, crack/pour/whatever a cold beverage, and then you could even look at the paper or read a book while the game is on, and I’m telling you, the voice of the announcer, and the ambient noise of the crowd at the stadium (occasionally punctuated by something actually happening on the field) will provide an airy, soothing wallpaper of sound, putting you in a bubble of mellow time as the game unwinds. Afternoons are great, but my favorite time to listen to a baseball game is right before bed.