Why Aren't You Using These Hot New Apps To Keep Track Of Your Impending Death?

'Your voice across the line gives me a strange sensation, I'd like to talk when I can show you my affection, Oh I can't control myself ....'

Everybody loves apps, experts say — you can tell because there is an app for everything, including the monitoring of your personal health. The problem is that once you’re thinking about monitoring your personal health, you’re well on the way to the grave. This depressing fact may be the reason why few Americans use such phone and tablet programs to keep track of what’s all too evident from the creaking, coughing, groaning and “weird discharge” most people notice just fine without the danged smart phone beeping and whirring, from wherever it’s hiding.

Nearly seven in 10 U.S. adults say they are tracking weight, diet, exercise routines or some medical symptom for themselves or a loved one, but most are doing it without the aid of modern technology and many are just keeping track in their heads, a new survey finds. The findings may “splash some cold water” on the idea that the masses are tracking and analyzing everything from their daily step counts to their sleep patterns and blood pressure on their smart phones, tablets and computers.

Ha ha, “splash some cold water” is one of those mainstream media euphemisms for suicide. Also many people who are close to death are, by nature, older people. And older people generally don’t like those complicated smart phones and tablets and computers. They prefer to have those very big “clamshell” phones with very big numbers, and then they always leave these phones turned off, because they are worried about the battery running out, and also they have suspicions that maybe the phone is “calling long distance” while nobody is watching it.

Photo by Voronin76 via Shutterstock.