Victoria Grayson's Unfortunate History As A Hamptons Hostess, In Chronological Order

• Last night’s Charity Wine Auction: Two guests kidnapped from elevator as they’re leaving the party.

• Liberty Project benefit dinner: Wife of a Supreme Court nominee reveals to assembled guests that her husband beats her, is crooked judge.

• Thanksgiving dinner: Victoria discloses to guests that at age 15 she was forced to shoot a man and take the blame for his death.

• Second wedding to Conrad: Groom toted off by police during the reception.

• Baby shower: Pregnant guest of honor goes over staircase railing.

• Fire + Ice engagement party: Party marred by discovery of dead body on the beach outside, son wandering around, bloody and dazed, near the corpse. Also tacky invitations.

• Birthday clambake for son: Son’s gun-toting psychopathic ex-college roommate enters with the birthday cake.

• Holds invalid houseguest captive in her home.

• Her and Conrad’s 25th wedding anniversary dinner party: Five guests, all of whom have stormed off or excused themselves from the table before end of first course.

• Mother-daughter charity luncheon: Luncheon of Hampton ladies is halted when a video is played with clips of highly fraught moments from everyone’s therapy sessions: “How can I explain to my husband that I slept with his sister!”

• Fundraiser for Senator Tom Kingsly: As the senator is starting his speech, his pregnant mistress shows up, and senator abruptly announces his “retirement from public life.”

• Memorial Day charity art auction: Sells Van Gogh given to her by her best friend, exiles best friend from the Hamptons forever.

(Inspiration hat tip.)