Last-Minute Chances For World To End On 12/21/12

And *inside* the meteor is a giant knife.
  • “The first major snowstorm of the season began its slow eastward march across the Midwest early Thursday, leaving at least three people dead, creating treacherous driving conditions and threatening to disrupt some of the nation’s busiest airports ahead of the holiday weekend.”
  • “Tornado warnings remained in effect in parts of Mississippi, Louisiana and Alabama early Thursday.”
  • “Schools across the country, already on edge following last week’s massacre of 20 students and six adults at a Newtown, Conn., elementary school have been further unnerved following a series of copycat threats, sometimes yielding arrests and caches of deadly weapons.”
  • “The number of Americans filing first-time claims for unemployment insurance payments rose for the first time in five weeks.”
  • “A community of farmers in Shelby County have been terrorized over the past few weeks by a mystery animal. The creature has been attacking, but not eating, livestock such as goats and calves.”
  • “A woman accused of hoarding human skeletons for sex has avoided a necrophilia charge — but been convicted of ‘disturbing the peace of the dead.’”
  • “The Dead Sea, the saltiest sea in the world, almost completely dried up roughly 100,000 years ago, which may be ominous news for the future of the water in the region, new research suggests.”
  • “The Hernandez family, which is Christian, told InfoWars that the sophomore is declining to wear the badge because it signifies Satan, or the Mark of the Beast warning in Revelations 13: 16–18. Apparently, such tracking devices are used to secure school funding.”
  • “It all makes Edwards wonder what the world is coming too. ‘It says people need to pray more,’ said Edwards. ‘Satan is really running loose.’ The suspects fled in the older model, green SUV.”
  • “Instagram’s problems could get A LOT worse … ’cause the app’s #1 user — Kim Kardashian — is telling friends she’s considering LEAVING unless its new policies are drastically revised, ASAP.”

Illustration by Ben Sutherland.