Terror Will Be A Surprise, For The Nation's Terror Detectors Do Not Work At All

The government wants to turn your phone into a chemical weapons sniffer. Through the Department of Homeland Security’s “Cell-All” program, all of America’s proud citizens will be walking anthrax and biological terror detectors, which will be just about a thousand times more creepy than those ominous white boxes that you see chained up in the subway stations, hissing quietly. These machines also have cameras, so that, when they are set off, security agencies can decide whether it was a sarin gas attack or just a janitor with some ammonia. Which happens ALL THE TIME. Because, over the years, the BioWatch program has been responsible for dozens of false alerts and “zero” positive alerts for a chemical attack on the US of A. In fact, over the last decade, the government has nearly canceled every major sporting event and political conference, until, at the last minute, they realized the data were “faulty.” How faulty? So faulty that New York City “officials” demanded that the sensors be removed from the rooftops New York. They’d actually rather be anthraxed than have to deal with constant fake terror alerts.

NOW your government wants to spend $3.1 billion dollars to upgrade the nation’s silent terror-sniffing machinery, despite the fact that “actual experts” say the new system will not work, at all. (WHERE IS PAUL RYAN ON THIS IMPORTANT ISSUE?) Homeland Security will not speak to the press about this, nor will they provide documentation of testimony about how “it does not work” to a Congressional panel. Meanwhile, on rooftops across Manhattan, the government’s machines are collecting OUR air, and then it is ushered into some secret basement, where they run expensive tests on it, and then the lab rats watching the machines shrug and go back to writing sexy emails to their coworkers.

Photo by ZeroOne