Party Rocker Andrew W.K. Says He's the New U.S. Cultural Ambassador To the Middle East

When it's time to party, we will party hard, in the Middle East somewhere, for America.

Andrew W.K. is (maybe) a party rocker and motivational speaker. He is also, by his own unreliable admission, an actor who plays “Andrew W.K.,” which is a creation of a shadowy group of entertainment industry lawyers and mind-control experts. He may or may not be “Steev Mike” or “Dave Grohl.” Also, he/it is mostly known for a single ridiculous orc-lite 2001 punk-pop anthem called “Party Hard” and a live-action show about exploding things, with children, on the Cartoon Network. (Late-night masochists will also know him from frequent appearances on the alternate-universe Fox News program “Red Eye.”)

Whether he’s a self-created troll or something entirely more disturbing is the fuel for much more Internet speculation than his actual music inspires. And now, according to the unimpeachable sources of Pitchfork and Andrew W.K.’s own website, the U.S. State Department has named Andrew W.K. the new American cultural ambassador to the entire Middle East.

All conspiracies eventually meet, so here we have the conspiracy theories about the State Department and the Clintons and the Arab Spring and the current chapter of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and Fox News and mind control and Nirvana all coalescing around a dubious report (quickly repeated by music bloggers and the Huffington Post) that a pop-music enigma who barely registers on the celebrity scale has been given the kind of government-sanctioned propaganda role once held by the likes of Louis Armstrong in postwar Europe.

All it takes is a simple denial from the State Department this morning (UPDATE: which already happened), and the entire tale will go from “something posted on an entertainer’s website over a long holiday weekend” to Official Illuminati Coverup. Everything is involved. What do you think ‘The Awl’ stands for, anyway? (Andrew W, with the l being the next letter after “k,” which obviously means “the second Andrew W.K.”)

If you want a picture of the future, which began “for real” in 2001, imagine a blood-speckled white sneaker partying on a human face, forever.