I was at the Rite Aid the other day and I don’t know if you have Rite Aid where you are, but basically Rite Aid is a Drug Store, plus they have makeup and all kinds of little garbage-y food like Kraft Easy Mac and Chef Boyardee in those little styrofoam microwave cans and junk food and crackers and beef jerky and soda pop and all the different colors of Pringles tubes, and you can buy a 20″ box window fan and there’s a toy aisle and there’s seasonal candy, like for Halloween and Valentine’s and Easter and Mother’s Day and 4th of July and Christmas and probably for Saint Patrick’s Day, and there are cigarettes but you have to ask for them, and what the hell happened with the cigarettes? There are no more Marlboro Lights in the gold-colored box that used to be the box that Marlboro Lights came in. What happened to the word “LIGHTS” on the box? Now it’s Marlboro “GOLD PACK,” are you kidding me? Is it that a big of a deal that your Death Sticks say “LIGHTS” on ‘em? Nobody thinks they are Less Death-by-cancer-or-Heart-Disease-making because they were “Lights,” they only thought they were More Easier to hoove on and not cough, like with the Marlboro Reds, except those were always just called “MARLBORO,” I don’t think they changed that to anything less no-you-won’t-get-as-much-cancer-sounding, which, if you enjoy a Marlboro The Artist Formerly Known As Light, man, you are gonna hack/vom big time if you draw down on one of those “Cowboy Killer” Marlboros in the red box.
They also used to have Marlboro “Mediums” which they now call Marlboro “Red Label,” which, they couldn’t even call ’em “Red Pack” to be consistent with the erstwhile Marlboro Lights/”Gold Pack,” plus, I just realized that everybody — including me — always calls the regular full-just-as-much-of-cancer-as-a-light-Marlboro the Marlboro “Red,” you know? As a Public Service, I would like to say all the information provided about the stupid new names of Marlboros should make you have the incentive to quit smoking Marlboros if that’s what you smoke, if you smoke, which is bad for you, according to the General of Surgeons, Regina M. Benjamin, MD, MBA. Man, thinking about all the new Marlboro names makes my head spin like a Marlboro Medium, old-school.
Anyway, Rite Aid sells Medicine Drugs and Cancer-Heart-Attack-Death-Smoke-Cigarettes, in the same store, and is pretty much like Walgreen’s or Duane Reade, or CVS, or Shopper’s Drug Mart, or etc., OK? I bet each of those stores I listed plus a katrillion other Drugs-and-Crap stores around this Great Land of Ours have a way to deal with lines, as in Customers queued up waiting to pay money for the stuff they collected and Impulse Bought walking around the Rite Aid waiting for the Pharmacist to fill their prescription for Lactulose, and no, it’s for my cat, he has a problem. Who knew how much it would cost for a Cat Enema? Two Hundred and Seventy Dollars and No Cents, for 1 (one) Cat Enema, (includes “Hygiene Trim”) at the Veterinarian, and now I have to buy him Drugs to keep him “regular.” I never ever even thought the words “cat” and “enema” anywhere near each other until a coupla weeks ago, and now I gotta feed my cat a high-fiber diet. Cats need Benefiber? Well, great, I can haz at Rite Aid! Apparently cats do not like the Orange poop-dust, the Metamucil? Cats need stuff for their G-I tract, like that poop yogurt Jamie Lee Curtis pimps that doesn’t even really make you poop that much? It was a lie? That thing on “Saturday Night Live” with Kristen Wiig being Jamie Lee Curtis and having to take a crap all the time because of the poop yogurt was pretty funny, though. I miss Kristen Wiig on “Saturday Night Live” and they haven’t even had “Saturday Night Live” without Kristen Wiig yet because “Saturday Night Live” hasn’t even started yet, for the Fall Television Season, you know? I also thought when Kristen Wiig did that character who appeared to be Developmentally Disabled with the tiny arms and she always wanted to mate with a Handsome Guy who was singing on the “Lawrence Welk Show” sketch, that was pretty funny, but it also makes me feel uncomfortable, even right now, thinking about it, you know? Personally though, like, to justify that character, she seems to have been pretty Empowered, you know? She goes for hers, right? Does that make it OK? Laughing while she is chasing bubbles?
So look, the lines at your Drug Store, do they have lines that are Just? I mean, at the Rite Aid, where I buy Nacho Cheese Combos, Mountain Dew Throwback, and stuff to make my geriatric cat poop on the regular, they have more than one cashier, but also there’s more than one line, and I do not support this. Would it kill you, Rite Aid, to have a sign or a mark on the floor to get people to line up on one line for the multiple cashier opportunities? Because every time I go to the Rite Aid, I get burned on this line thing when there’s a whole buncha people in like, two lines, but then they activate another cashier and everybody starts scrambling trying to get to the new line. There should just be one goddamn line and then the line moves faster, period. And of course I say this as somebody who always tries to be polite and so somehow always ends up still at the end of the longest line, so sometimes I get discouraged so I start wandering around the Rite-Aid again and looking at the “As Seen on TV” products, like the BluBlocking sunglasses that fit over your regular glasses, or the tomato plant that grows upside-down in a bag, or maybe just in a bag you hang and it really doesn’t grow upside-down, it just grows and the leaves go down because it is higher than usual. Anyway, I’m not buying one of those because all my money is tied up in cat laxatives. I bet if I could teach my cat to smoke, he’d be regular as a heart attack.
Previously: Seasonal Disorders