Things Chris Jones Wished Women Treated His Semen Like

by Jeff Johnson

“Most women act as though they’re sexual Olympians, as though they’re doing the men in their lives the greatest of favors merely by presenting themselves like a downed deer strapped to the hood of a car. Some of you are deluding yourselves…. Like, maybe grab a mirror and spend some time learning how your own body works. It’s nice, too, when you don’t treat our semen like it’s battery acid.”
Chris Jones, Esquire


20) Fire Jolly Ranchers

19) Arby’s Jamocha Shake

18) Soft-Boiled Egg

17) Melted Toffifay Candy

16) Steri-Fab Bed Bug Killer

15) Grape Snow Cone

14) Ed Asner’s Semen

13) George Clooney’s Semen

12) Bonnie Bell Lip Smackers Root Beer Flavored Lip Balm

11) Hawaiian Tropic Suntan Lotion

10) Wallpaper Paste

9) Green Tempera Paint

8) Banana Daiquiri

7) Miso Glaze

6) Lake Erie Water

5) Thousand Island Dressing

4) Wasabi Mayo

3) Communion Wafer Smoothie

2) Santa’s Bathwater

1) Liquid Zoloft

Jeff Johnson wants you to treat all his bodily fluids with equal kindness. Photo by Lori_NY.