I've Become an Amazing Mom in the Six Hours I've Been Sober

by A Drunk Mom

From time to time we offer our space to normal, every-day people with opinions to share.

The bottles clinking in the bottom of the stroller, the shame of my own special sippy cups I’d sneak in the pumping booth at the office: it was all too much for me, so I stopped drinking six hours ago. Earlier today I was an alcoholic mom with a secret; now, I’m a proud mom in recovery, who’s learned from her mistakes, with the help of my partner, Brechlin [not his real name], who threw me out of the house late last night but let me back in earlier this morning. I’m all better! And I have so much to share.

Oh wait. I’m at lunch and the waiter is asking me what I want to drink…. I was going to have an iced tea but I think I’ll pound some shots! LET’S ROLL. HEY, YOU, GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF MY STROLLER.

Okay, now I’m back on the wagon. Little Lausanne was staring up at me from her stroller and I just couldn’t take the shame. I only had a few drinks with lunch and now I’m going to an AA meeting later and working on my recovery memoir on my iPad, while planning something really pageview-churning for The Fix and Salon to publish simultaneously — it’s hard to get all those SEO words in! Maybe like: Ten Lessons from My Recovery from Being a Drunk Mommy?

My agent is really on the case — she almost fired me when I was drunk-texting her over the weekend, but then she was really mean to me last month, when she was a crack addict, and then she was really distracted for a while as she was packaging her memoir (“How You Can Have It All: A Raging Addiction, A Booming Business and Two Kids”), so I figured she had it coming — and we’re working on crashing some longer-form stuff to follow-up on my tidal wave of web success I plan for this week. If only I can keep it together! We’re going for a playdate with my neighbor Caitlin [not her real name!] later and she always has an awesome supply of meth around….

UPDATE I’m at Caitlin’s, and the kids are in the backyard, and we are HAMMERED and TWEAKING OUR FACES OFF. This is THE SHIT. I don’t know what I —

UPDATE Back home. I’m overcome with peace as I gaze upon a sleeping Lausanne. She’s so wonderful, she’s the light of my life. I’ll never drink again, I just know it. Motherhood is so emotionally connecting, so spiritual, so fulfilling, I can’t imagine ever being the person I used to be. What was I thinking!?

UPDATE At the preschool for parent-teacher check-in night. Thoroughly ripped. Can’t stand all these bleating loser-moms. LIGHTEN UP, GOAT-MOMS. Baahhhh, baaaaaah! How did I deal with you heinous she-beasts before liquor?

A Drunk Mom just wants you to get your damn judgmental annoying hands off her bottles — no wait, I’ve thrown them all out! Can you change my bio? Something like “A Drunk Mom really reveres life now that she’s sober and is pregnant with her second child.”

Photo by “Thirteen Of Clubs”.