Nation "Extremely Grumpy," Says Poll

According to a new poll of literally hundreds of people, Americans are in a “bad mood.” It’s the worst mood they’ve collectively had in almost two years.

The poll found that if you asked people questions like “Are you in a worse mood than you were last month?” or “Do you feel great today?” people generally said they just weren’t as peppy as they used to be.

“The passage of time reminds me of my aging flesh and the march of time in which I face down my much-needed dental work,” said Jane Horowitz, 47, of Sampshire, LA, who is a totally random person. “Why are you even calling me, I never pick up the phone anymore. So annoying, don’t you hate the phone?”

When asked about “those sheep-bangers out in D.C.,” most respondents registered negativity. 43% said they should all be killed; only 18% said they shouldn’t all be killed. When asked “Can you name the Speaker of the House,” 13% responded correctly.

When asked “Do you like government programs that directly benefit you?” only 87% of people polled answered “Well duh, yes.”

The poll has an error margin of +/- 15%, and was entirely conducted among the aging population that still has landlines. Then they called a bunch of cellphones and only the freaks who pick up random calls on their cells were interviewed. Pollsters just hung up on people who didn’t “sound like” they spoke English very well.