It is The Holidays! Right now, right this very NOW it is the Holiday Season! Even if you are grumpy about This Time of Year, I am going to wish you a Good Grumples, because if it is satisfying for you to be that way, then Be All You Can Be, OK?
It is The Holidays! So really, Merry fucking Jingle! Or Merry Jinglin’-baby-go-ahead-baby, if you will, because it’s all about jingling right now, some jingling in your pocket, no?
It is The Holidays! Here’s the Ichiban-Number-One thing I do when it is The Holidays; I tip double and I give money to bums. I figure that would be a good thing for The Holidays, some Green, on account of I’m right there with you, man, I got some Xmas-themed scratch-offs going right now and if I score, I’m gonna pump it right back into The Economy’s tied-off arm, you know? It is the Circle of Giving.
It is The Holidays! I always opt-in for the Be of Good Cheer aspect, you know? I Sincerely Wish you a Happy The Holidays, whatever you are, and if you are someplace hot, I hope you are cool, and if you are someplace cold, I hope you are toasty.
It is The Holidays! If you are Sick, please Get Well. If you are Sad, please get Happy. They sell it in bottles all over the place! If you are Unemployed, I hope in this order: 1.) You get a Job, 2.) You can collect on those extended Unemployment Benefits, because wow, there sure were some Serious and True Anti-The Holidays em-effers out there who were Scroogin’ it up big time, all year long, and they are even some of the type of people who would “Merry-Christmas-In-The-War-On-Christmas-So-Get-It-Right-It-Is-The-CHRISTmas-I-Am-Wishing-On-You” to you, right to your underemployed face, while they are still bitching about the Taxes, you know? This is like, the one Time of Year when people make an effort to be positive and Of Good Cheer, and there’s these goddamn “War on Christmas” Grinches who get all prickly if you say “The Holidays” and not their Jesus one. YOU ARE TAKING A POSITIVE TIME OF YEAR AND BEING ALL “THE PARTY OF HELL NO” TO IT. Quit it! Ultimately to them I still say a Happy The Holidays, Jesus Christmas, whatever floats their goddamn boat to the Party of Tea, but they need to get in touch with being Human Beings and the teachings of Jesus The Christ. In Theory. Anyway.
It is The Holidays! I don’t have time to be chopping them all up into categories. I say just go ahead and Enjoy you some, as long as it does not involved exploding my desk or anything like that, OK? Go hang some jingle balls! Drink an Egg Nog, or a reasonable and festive simulacrum of same! Make some fucking COOKIES, man, that is good for any The Holidays you can think of that have eating in them. Anyway, I love Egg Nog, man.