NPR fired one of their news analysts, Panama-born (just like John McCain!) Juan Williams, author of Thurgood Marshall: American Revolutionary, for comments earlier this week on Fox News. He said that he gets “nervous” when he gets on a plane and sees “people who are in Muslim garb” and he thinks “they are identifying themselves first and foremost as Muslims.” The second part of this statement is what we imagine constituted the firing, because that’s stupid. And dumb. And strangely French! That land of nationalism through conformity! In America? We don’t do that. The first part, though… well? Heck. Juan just doesn’t fly enough. Here are some things that make me nervous when I get on planes.
Whenever I get on a plane and see that it’s full of Orthodox Jews, I get nervous — because I know there’s going to be a ton of annoying standing and davening and refusing to sit by women.
Whenever I get on a plane and see that it’s full of white men in business suits, I get super-nervous, because I know that no one is going to snuggle with me during a bumpy landing. (At least Muslims will hold your hand!)
Whenever I get on a plane and see that I’m surrounded by midwestern women in pantsuits, I get totally nervous, because I know that they’re going to yack my ear off about their kids and pets.
Whenever I get on a plane (Virgin Atlantic or Jet Blue) and see that it’s full of people in skinny jeans with Apple laptops, I get nervous, because I know I’m going to have to hear the tinny tones of MGMT and Girls leaking out of everyone’s oversized DJ-style headphones.
Whenever I get on a plane and it’s full of people with goats and chickens, I get totally nervous. Because you just know there’s going to be a ton of crapping in the aisles.
Also, Tibetans? Oh man, I basically just book another flight. Those damn bells keep me awake.