Adolf Hitler, Black Jew

DNA tests on relatives of Adolf Hitler have revealed that the Führer “is likely to have been descended from both Jews and Africans,” two groups of which he was not particularly fond. Reached for comment at his hidden fortress in Brazil, Hitler remarked, “Oh, man. That totally changes everything! Isn’t it funny how you get an idea in your head and you go off half-cocked and do something you’d probably have done differently if you had all the information at the time? Sorry about that! Hey, can you get me in touch with Amar’e Stoudemire? I’ve got a ton of questions and I figure he’d be exactly the right person to answer them.”