Alaskan Dumbass Telenovela Finally Heats Up!


I stopped watching this show early in season two, because 1. not enough vampires! and 2. I just didn’t see where it could go after the crushing season one finale, when plotting bipolar matriarch Sarah Palin lost her chance to run the “United States of America.” Plots just don’t work when they scale down, you know? Then season two got very Twin Peaks: Sarah quit her job, her daughter’s baby-daddy Levi tried to become a porn star through appearing in Fleshworld magazine, and I was like, there is nothing here of narrative importance or interest for me! Well, the show has gone uncanceled, because the network has nothing else, and at the top of season three, it was revealed that a pesky evil spy had moved in to the house next door to Sarah. This was a good start, but there wasn’t much to look at, because mostly Sarah spent all her time in her house, unemployed, chatting with friends on Facebook and Twitter. (I mean, history will prove most likely that this is going to be an amazing historical representation of America, but it’s still not much to look at in the here and now.) So now it’s last-ditch ratings gusto! This is like sweeps week, except this channel is way too subpar to register on Nielsen! Bristol and Levi, the parents of the baby that, in season one, everyone thought was secretly Sarah’s, have reunited! The subplot for the rest of season three is that they’re “scared” about what Sarah Palin is going to say when she finds out that they’re engaged! I wonder how she will find out! Maybe someone will post a copy of the cover of Us on Sarah’s Facebook wall!?