by Natasha Vargas-Cooper
What do young women really talk about when they talk about The Twilight Saga: Eclipse? We asked experts Mary HK Choi and Natasha Vargas-Cooper to fill us in. Warning: contains spoilers, multiple pop culture references and graphic sexual language! Their analysis may also cause sudden-onset epilepsy in people under 18 or over 33.
Natasha Vargas-Cooper: What are your loins telling you about Twilight Part 3. Sparklequest?
Mary HK Choi: WELLZ. I LOVED it!
Natasha: It was exactly what I desired.
Mary: Plus? The dialogue was better this time.
Mary: Last time, I had to re-up my understandingness and suspension of disbelief every 6 seconds because of the dialogue. This time? DID NOT HAVE TO.
Natasha: What was your favorite scene!?
Mary: Well, honestly, I know everyone’s gonna be on some bean-diddling masturbation ish with the big “tent scene.”
Mary: And of course I too had wondered about the Edward and Jacob “tent scene.”
Natasha: Brokeback 2k10!
Mary: With ripstop nylon.
Natasha: MAD HOMO VIBES.
Natasha: SOOOO HOT.
Mary: Young pretty homos HOT!
Natasha: I was like, SLEEPING BAG TAG TEAM: ENGAGE!
Mary: Also Bella is on FULL REM-STATE SLEEP mode.
Mary: I could have definitely gone in on some meaningful glances, knuckle grazing with the forefinger.
Natasha: With wolf boy’s boner in her back!
Mary: LUPINE TUMESCENCE.
Natasha: Was your audience Team Edward or Team Jacob this time?
Mary: My area (I was sitting with the youngs) were hard core Cullen fans.
Mary: But there was a concentration of TEAM JACOB people clustered in the center of the screening and they were losing their damn minds.
Mary: YO but you know what?
Mary: NEW TEAM: TEAM JASPER.
Natasha: LETS TALK ON JASP.
Mary: I mean, OK, tooootally racist because he was a Confederate soldier,
because Confederate, BUT he was being manipulated by one of your peoples!
Natasha: The Chola Coven of Vampires!
Natasha: This Jasper kid is amazing but can he act?
Mary: No way. Beside the point.
Natasha: Does it matter?? With those rascaly racist eyes!
Mary: Tooootally not the point! His eyes ruuuuuuled in Twilight 1 & 2 and then we were REWARDED and his accent was HILARIOUS and his hair is soooo CRONCHY!
Mary: And I love it all to pieces
Natasha: RUFFLED SHIRT!
Mary: YES BUT, and this is what got me: total merciless killer.
Mary: Cold hearted snake.
Mary: COLD ONE.
Natasha: Killer of children!
Mary: Yes and I dig that. It shows… fortitude.
Natasha: Yes, let’s talk about the newborn vampires.
Mary: To me, it was like, blablablabla and I hated that one bunbun vampire baby, zzzzzzzzSNOREzzzzzzz.
Natasha: This how I felt about the reservation scenes! I was like, “Hush up Hawaiians!” I NEED MORE ABS IN MY EYES.
Mary: The folklore!
Mary: It’s like being invited to a party and having to go to CHURCH. Like, ew, really? Fireside tabernacle?
Natasha: Where does your loyalty lie on this 3rd installment? And why are girls Team Jacob in first place?
Mary: You know I am 100% team Edward.
Mary: I was mad at Edward’s groomer this installment.
Natasha: WHAT THE FUCK WAS WITH HIS HAIR?
Next: What the fuck was with his hair?
Mary: His eyebrows were meh and his fucking sideburns? Okay: bouncer at an Irish bar.
Natasha: Too drum circle.
Natasha: Also there are angles where he looks a little toad-like?
Mary: YES. Because his hairline was too low and his eyebrows were too flat
and his burns encroached.
Mary: Hence… gives bad head.
Mary: This installment was SO not Edward-y enough.
Natasha: NEVER IS!
Mary: Like, really? with your whole, OH I ONLY DO VIRGINS MURRRRRY ME BLABLABLA BORING.
Mary: And not enough voluturi gonna tear my alabaster shit up.
Natasha: But how strong were the fuck fumes during their make out seshies???
Mary: OH SO STRONG.
Natasha: I was actually squirming and aching! LIKE PLEASE GOD LET BE MEEEEE.
Natasha: I feel like girls who are Team Jacob do not understand that Bella is Fire and Jacob is Fire.
Natasha: Too much fire! Too many feelings!
Mary: YES. TOO CINDERELLY.
Natasha: Tay-Tay gets an Oscar for most improved. This time. He really tried to emote with his neck, trads and SOUL.
Mary: I’m totally gonna bone me a dude that wears shorts, no shirts, and trainers with inviso socks.
Mary: Because: HOT and that is SO not my style.
Natasha: WHAT ABOUT THE WOLF GIRL???
Mary: Oh shit.
Mary: What about IMPRINTING?
Natasha: IMPRINT ON MY FACE.
Mary: But like, I CAN HAZ THREESOME?
Natasha: Also, I feel like Bella was acting a fool with R. Pattz. You cannot just hop on a wolfbro’s bike and expect the most good looking man of the undead to be like “Oh, here girl, imma hold ur purse.”
Mary: But you know what was the G move?
Mary: HE HELD HER DAMN PURSE. So to me? Props to Bella.
Natasha: True. That bish was finding herself.
Mary: What was up with everyone “shattering” like they were freeze-dried fruit? Is that the baseline now? I feel like we should’ve gotten a warning on that.
Natasha: Like the Terminator 2 style nitrogen shit?
Natasha: I didn’t know that all you had to do to kill a vampire was like… aim??
Natasha: Okay, so my favorite scene when Edward was like, “Girl, In my time I would have courted you…
Mary: HERE WE GO.
Natasha: “And we would have drank ice tea on a porch, and maybe stolen a kiss. But I want to marry you before we bang” — (yes, I paraphrase)-
Natasha: And like, damn girl, something inside me was like:
Natasha: ‘DEAR GOD, YES’. Fucking get on your knees and tell me you wanna meet my daddy before you go whipping out your peen!
Mary: FASCINATING. That was TOOOOOOTALLY the part I would’ve ffwd’ed right through because it’s sooooooooo die-cut book cover with metallic cursive title.
Natasha: Oh my God.
Mary: I AM FULL ON 100% CLOWNING YOU. I think it’s sweet that that’s your favorite scene, like, honestly: it makes me want to hug you.
Natasha: It was mad romantic. It made me feel like a lady!
Mary: He is a vampire that is ENOUGH MAKE BELIEVE FOR ME.
Natasha: It’s like that scene in SEX AND THE CITY SEASON 6.
Natasha: When Aleksander plays the piano for her and Carrie was like “Too much! Too much!” and I was like, ‘No, you go on Russian Billy Joel.’
Mary: Yeah but.. it’s so douche chills. OH, speaking of douche chills… pavé cocktail engagement ring BARRRRRRF much? What was that? A shield?!
Natasha: Even Frodo had a doper ring.
Mary: I think that’s when the movie broke a little for me and the corny shit Eddie was dishing out was like, wahwahwahwah. I’m not really trying to get a round emery board looking thing for my engagement ring.
Natasha: I was a little miffed that Eddie did not fucking lay it down when Bella was making out with Tay.
Mary: I wasn’t. You know what that was?
Natasha: Tell me
Mary: That was SMITH JARED.
Natasha: Oh shit.
Mary: When he waits at the bottom of the elevator after Samantha fucks Richard?
Natasha: “Just wanted to make sure you got home okay.”
Natasha: You’re right.
Mary: And THAT is hot.
Natasha: You know, I noticed about David Slade’s direction: there were non stop close ups. This is definitely the best crafted but like, when he would pull back and you would see these teenagers being like SADFACE, it felt way silly. So it was a way smart move to keep that shit TIGHT locked on the FACE.
Mary: Also when you’re locked so close on the face that you almost can’t tell what you’re looking at.
Natasha: Girl, serious question here: DO YOU THINK BELLA IS MAKING A MISTAKE? IN RE: TRANSFORMING INTO A TRUE BLOOD CHARACTER?
Natasha: Like, I can see the appeal of Jacob in that sense.
Mary: I can too.
Natasha: Where he is like, ‘No, I want to you have human feelings and a human life. IN MAH TENT.”
Mary: Especially when he was like, I AM NOT FUCKING WITH YOU WHEN YOU ARE A COLD ONE.
Mary: I don’t think I’d turn.
Mary: Would you turn?
Natasha: Damn this is a good question.
Mary: That’s like marriage times a MILLION.
Natasha: I don’t think I would.
Mary: Like, seriously, what are your options after that? Fuck with Facinelli?
See if Jasper would throw down?
Natasha: And you’d have to hang out in the Dwell/West Elm House O’Cullen.
Mary: “I’ve always been depressed and out of step so pshaw being a vampire is No Big Deal?”
Mary: THAT is her explanation for wanting to turn? Because you don’t want to live like a Cymbalta commercial?
Natasha: Also, WHY DOESN’T DAKOTIES HAVE MORE SCENES??? That bitch is like a mini-Meryl.
Natasha: So, do we feel that this the best of the franchise?
Mary: I do for sure. I will always have a soft spot for #1 because #1 was soooooooooooooo angsty and and I am gay for angst.
Natasha: It was like a Pearl Jam video!
Mary: A Collective Soul video.
Natasha: So overall, highlights include: Jaspsie’s southern gentility, tent man-2-man threat of threeway, trip to Philippines via wolfpack.
Natasha: Lowlights include: gaudy ass rings, unruly eyebrowz, too low on much needed angst.
Mary: AND FIN.