Earlier today, a brand manager complained about the portrayal of Gummi Bears in the media. He claimed that you were actually warm and comforting.
The fuck we are. What jackass said that?
John Leonardo of Trolli.
Trolli? Not for nothin’, I can’t be too shocked about that. Those Trolli bears, they’re a little soft in the center, if ya know what I mean.
I’m not sure that I do.
You know, they’re a bunch of Nancy bears. Swissy boys. Friends of Mary Jane?
You’re trying to imply that they’re-
Hey, look, to each his own. All I’m sayin’ is you’re not gonna find Harry Bo rubbin’ gellies with no “Care bear.” It ain’t natural.
So you dispute the characterization that you’re the type of confection that would give “a big old bear hug and whisper, ‘Everything is going to be alright.’”?
You kiddin’ me? The only time I’m putting my arm around some broad and talkin’ sweet to her you bet your ass I’m trying to get into her crevasse.
Look close on the lady bears you’ll find a little space in the center. That, pally, is where Harry Bo does his thing.
Wow, you really are crass and rude.
Lemme tell you something, you Swedish-fish eating fuck: You come up in the neighborhood I came up in, you learn early on how to handle yourself. No one’s opening any bags for you. It’s push or be pushed. I ain’t braggin’ or nothin’, but I’ve done stuff would make a pussy like you shit lemon. Somebody fucks with me? I wrap a big Gummi worm around their neck and hold it tight till he’s puking pectin. Bitch gets outta line? Splash of citric acid right in that pretty face of hers shows her who’s boss. I am a fuckin’ Gummi Bear, you get me? I will get up in your teeth and stick there all day if I have to.
You sound pretty sour.
Sour? I ain’t Sour. Nobody likes a fuckin’ Sour Bear. Those guys are the bottom of the fuckin’ barrel. They’ll pimp their own sister for a small bag of starch. I’m ashamed to even be seen on the same aisle with those glucoseless fucks. Ya got any more questions, or are you just gonna sit there waiting for me to shove my Gummi Cock in your mouth, Mr. Big Time Reporter?
I think you’ve mostly cleared things up, thanks.
Oh, one last thing: Do Gummi Bears shit in the Gummi woods?
Fuck you think? Gummi Bears shit wherever the fuck they want. Well, except maybe Trolli Bears. I bet those candy-asses actually sit down to piss. Bunch of winegums. Now go fuck yourself with a marshmallow peep, I got things to do.
INTERVIEW HAS BEEN CONDENSED AND EDITED.