Internet Stars Fell In Alabama Last Night

Sorry, Dale

Alabama held primary elections yesterday! Lets see how some of our pals did: In the race for Agriculture Commissioner, angry man with horse and rifle Dale Peterson failed to win the Republican nomination, running a weak third with 27%.

Congressional candidate Les Phillip-whose main qualification for the office appeared to be the promise that, as a black guy, he could say terrible things about President Obama without fear of being called racist-also came third in his contest. (This was an interesting primary: Incumbent Rep. Parker Griffith, the freshman who switched to the Republican party back in December, was unable to win over the voters from the party he jumped to.)

And businessman Tim James, scourge of child molesters and non-English speakers alike? The idea of giving him the Republican nomination for governor did not exactly make sense to the majority of voters: He and a Tuscaloosa physician will await the results of a recount to see who faces Bradley Byrne in a runoff for the nod. (Roy Moore, the former Chief Justice who was relieved of that post after refusing to follow a federal order to remove a monument to the Ten Commandments from the state courthouse, placed fourth.)

There were no interesting clips on the Democratic side, but in case you’re scoring at home, State Agriculture Commissioner Ron Sparks beat Rep. Artur Davis for the gubernatorial nomination, crushing Davis’ dream of becoming the first African American to win that spot. “This is not exactly the speech I’d planned to give tonight,” Davis said during his concession. Davis, who hoped to win the nomination by running against pretty much everything Barack Obama proposed, lost to Sparks by about 62–38%.

I have to tell you, this is the most closely I’ve followed Alabama politics since, well, ever. Let’s hope the general election provides just as many crazy-ass viral videos as the primaries did. It might be the only chance to get Americans interested in civics that we have left.