In 2021, Afghanistan Looks Back


After much searching, in the summer of 2021 we found Afghanistan napping in a small hut that had been hastily built into a bombed-out former mountainside. “I wish it never happened. It was totally a nightmare,” said Afghanistan. “Sure, we called the Sudden Money Institute, those people who try to help lottery winners who live in trailers to not go crazy, but they were annoying and they kept talking about ‘trusts’ and ‘foundations’ and interest ratings, so, whatever, we eventually just blew them off.”

“Everybody had a hand out,” Afghanistan said. “All my cousins wanted a piece. How could I say no?”

Then, in the mid-10s, Afghanistan spent most of its money on an international chain of drive-through highway carwashes, called the Tribal Chieftains’ Rain-Makers, which were not a success. Afghanistan was forced to settle a class action lawsuit on behalf of employees over the uniforms-women employees claimed they were mangled because they couldn’t see through the headgear while operating machinery. The Rain-Maker chain closed, and Afghanistan went back home.

By then, all the money was gone.

“Yeah, it sucked,” said Afghanistan. “But at least I got laid a lot for a few years. Had a few laughs. You’d be surprised how many Miss America contestants you can fit in a Lamborghini Reventón.”