Times gossip blogger David Carr is laying out scenarios in which one might enjoy the iPad: “Your partner is watching ‘The Amazing Race,’ which you find less than amazing. Your day is done and you just want to lay next to him/her and bathe in a glow. You’ve already downloaded a rental of ‘Sherlock Holmes,’ which cost $4.99 and took 30 minutes. Put on headphones, hit play. You are alone, together, each of you in your own mediated universe. You hold hands anyway.” You know what? I really have NO INTEREST in living like that. I’d rather just wheel my lardy bottom into the permanent virtual reality chamber and hook up the Dr. Pepper I.V. and just CALL IT QUITS. God. Also? SCRABBLE SUCKS. And I don’t need a $650 SCRABBLE MACHINE. I don’t even need a ZERO DOLLAR Scrabble machine. If I wanted to play Scrabble, I’d spend more time on Facebook. And if I wanted to have a gigantic iPhone that doesn’t make phone calls, and basically looks like a thumbprint and hand grease analyzer, well I’m sure that SAMSUNG makes a product that suits my needs.