How to pay a lot of money to attend a baseball game during your first year of being above the legal drinking age, by Matthew Clemmens of Cherry Hill, N.J.:
1. Get drunk, obviously.
2. Unnerve the two young ladies sitting in front of you (aged 11 and 15) with your inebriated antics.
3. Realize in your beer-soaked haze that scaring the young ladies makes you awesome, and up the ante by pelting them with “insults and vulgarities.” Also, overpriced stadium beer.
4. Say “I’m gonna get sick,”
and subsequently induce vomiting by sticking your fingers down your throat.
5. Succeed in your mission to imitate the T-shirt gun with your recently consumed food, especially the “puke on the kids” part.
6. Fail to realize that the vomit victim’s father is a police officer, a fact that might make you feel more punk rock in the moment but that will only make you look even more like a drunk idiot who can only feel like a big man when he picks on people smaller than he is.
7. Get arraigned on a host of charges, with bail set at $12,000.
8. Or the price of approximately 1,777 in-stadium beers. Oopsie!