Even Actors Find Out that the New Currency is Attention


I am making less money upfront than ever and so is America’s Sweetheart™ and potential This Weekend’s Oscar© Winner Sandy Bullock, who only got $5 million up front for her dye job in The Barf Slide. Now more than ever, actors are working on an attention-based bonus system, in which the success of a film is what brings the big pay, and the huge names take “less” up front. (Setting aside the hilarious pay scale itself, in some ways this is not a great idea, as actors have the least to do with the finished product being watchable or miserable? And yet still.) In the future, though, I think we’ll see that most industries will have switched to this system. Book publishing, obviously, is backwards and has known but not acted on the fact that past performance is no guarantee of future performance; and someday all writers will work on a scale that pays them just based on eyeballs. Also strippers and pole dancers all over the world have been working on such a straightforward system for centuries! They even improve upon this model, in which, while the customers stare at you, they also feed you money. Movie theaters could work like this too quite easily! It just makes sense, America.