Half Baked: White People's Artichoke Dip


And now the second of our Super Bowl-applicable recipes!

Dear Jewish and/or poor friends-have you ever wondered what WASPs eat? Trick question. WASPs don’t eat! They drink. But they do like to put food out and feign eating. There are three WASP foodstuffs for setting out and feigning eating, but the one I’m here to talk to you about today is mayonnaise. (The other two, cucumbers and shrimp, are only around because they’re pink and green and cold, and WASPs like food created in their own image.)

One other thing WASPs love is that adorable and slightly drunk girl at the party. And while the best of us are born into the role, there is hope for the rest of you because it can be learned. And I would like to teach you how to master the fine art of being the slightly drunk girl who trots out a delicious artichoke dip at parties because, quite frankly, I’m really awesome at it and you need to be told things.

Traditional artichoke dips are really quite simple, but I’ve usually got Important Drinking To Do and therefore have distilled mine down to a three-ingredient, one-bowl process that allows me to drink fairly heavily throughout. You should work on doing the same. God knows, alcohol can’t make you more dull.

Measure a cup of mayo into a mixing bowl. You needn’t be particularly precise about this.

Open and drain a can of artichoke hearts. Toss the artichokes in the bowl with the mayo. Pour a glass of wine, grab a fistful of ice cubes and plunk them in. Drink it. Turn the oven on to 400°. Using a fork and a spoon, pull apart the artichokes while mixing them into the mayonnaise. This will feel awkward but that’s why you have the wine, to ease your anxiety about things. Top off your grape juice.

Stir in 3/4 of a cup of grated parmesan cheese and pour the whole disgusting mess into a baking dish. Don’t spend too much time looking at it because if you do your mind is going to go to a place it really shouldn’t go when one is contemplating dip and-oh, you did it. Now you’re looking at your last yeast infection sitting inside some Corningware and it’s all over. POUR AND DRINK MORE WINE, STAT. FOREGO THE CUBES IF YOU MUST. Grip your countertops and regain your composure.

Top the mayo mixture with a 1/4 of a cup more of cheese and put this utter disaster of a foodstuff in the oven for 20 minutes. Pour more wine. Throw cubes in with wild abandon!

After 20 minutes it’s Choose Your Own Adventure time. Either:

1. Take it out of the oven to cool before transporting elsewhere and reheating, following the instructions for step 2 once you’ve arrived at your destination and have gotten a glass of wine from your hostess. (“WITH CUBES, DEAR.”) or.

2. crank the oven to 475° and let it go for about 10 more minutes until the top is nicely browned.

Now, the most important part. Don’t you dare eat any of that. It’s made entirely of mayo. Mayo with cheese. Leave the fat dip for the guests and go fix me another wine. Yes, with cubes! Come now.

Jolie Kerr wears Lilly below 14th Street.