A Letter To The New York Times

Poor Malty!

To the Editor:

Re: “Heel. Sit. Whisper. Good Dog.” (February 3), an article about “debarking,” that barbaric procedure in which a dog’s vocal cords are cut so that its owners are no longer troubled by noise complaints from their neighbors:

I want to thank you for addressing this topic. I am a Maltese terrier who has resided in New York City my whole life. Several years ago, my owners Marty and Sylvia Bayer had me “debarked” after the people in 3G complained to the co-op board about my playful yelps. This kind of surgery is indeed as tragic and inhumane as you make it out to be.

While I applaud you for shedding light on this grisly procedure, I wanted to alert you and your readers to something even more horrific: My owners have threatened to cut my nuts out. As shocking as that may seem to you, it is in no way an isolated incident. Many of my friends from doggie daycare have already undergone this terrible disfigurement. One day they’re energetic canines with everything to live for, and the next day they’re sluggish zombies who can’t even be bothered to chase a squirrel or run to the door when the bell rings. Also, they no longer have testicles.

I would hope that this revelation elicits further coverage from your fine organization. It would be a shame if we focused on the admittedly grotesque operation that severs a dog’s vocal cords while completely ignoring the even more serious crime of canine genital mutilation. I would be even more appreciative if you could do something about this prior to March 7th, when I’m scheduled for my appointment.

I appreciate your taking an interest in this matter. And please tell Maureen Dowd that she is my absolute favorite part of the paper.

New York, Feb 3, 2010

The writer is very concerned that they are going to CUT HIS BALLS OFF.