1:00 p.m. I know you guys are excited as I am!
1:02 p.m. Okay so. Esta dia on La Tormenta, on Telemundo, things are starting off CRAZY. That hot guy, who I think is Maria Teresa’s son? (It might be Simon Guerrero?) He is holding a baby that I think someone wants to take away from him?
1:04 p.m. Now this girl is changing outfits, on the train? I think she is wearing a wig! I don’t know what she’s up to.
1:05 p.m. Okay so she’s off the train. There are all these people on the train station. And she’s getting a cab. The thing that’s so great about La Tormenta is that there are like people carrying bags of rice and stuff in the background? It’s like everyone’s a peasant except the very important people who are very dramatic.
1:07 p.m. They’ve already cut to commercial. By the way, I should probably mention at this point that I don’t speak Spanish, but that doesn’t lessen my desire to understand the fiery drama that consume the lives of people at the Maria Teresa’s family estate, the titular La Tormenta.
1:09 p.m. Ha, the ads are amazing. 1–800-CANTASO!
1:11 p.m. So there is some sort of voodoo priestess, with a spooky staff, who is tormenting (so much tormenting!) this other woman, who I think is a maid or something? It’s like Kurosawa, except with women speaking.
1:13 p.m. She is INTENSE. I sure wish I knew what she was saying! And her wrap-around hair braid is really rad and asymmetrical.
1:15 p.m. You know what is worthless? The Wikipedia page for La Tormenta. It’s sort of like it was written by people who primarily speak Spanish or something.
1:17 p.m. The lady who was tormented by the priestess is seriously UNLOADING on some other lady. She’s standing in front of a fabulous waterfall. And the other lady is standing in front of all these candles.
1:19 p.m. EVERYONE IS REALLY UPSET.
1:20 p.m. Wikipedia, SERIOUSLY? “Among these people there are people with bad filings, one of them is Maria Teresa’s cousin, Isabela Montilla (Natasha Klauss), a beautiful woman, cruel and calculating to whom Don Ernesto Montilla (Alejandro Buenaventura) became her protector since her parents’ death.”
1:21 p.m. They sure have a lot of ads for abogados! I wonder if the Spanish-speaking people need lawyers more often than non-Spanish-speaking people?
1:23 p.m. Oooh girl. Some other ladies are having a deep conversation and maybe one of them is getting their palm read? And NOW the lady in the black wig is talking to her… wait for it… ABOGADO. It all begins to make sense to me now.
1:25 p.m. And by “make sense” I mean, wow, this is no way to learn Spanish.
1:26 p.m. Did I mention that they cut off my cable the other day? And the only way I can see TV is in 20 second chunks, before it times out, and I have to change the channel and then change it back?
1:27 p.m. A business man is telling his gang of thugs what to do and now a plane is landing and/or taking off!
1:28 p.m. Oh the guy with the baby is in the plane. And he is learning how to bottle-feed it. Someone called him a “papa”! Something something in el mundo something something necesito!
1:29 p.m. I think what’s happening is the guy with the baby is being hunted by the businessman with the thugs? But what about the voodoo priestess then?
1:30 p.m. Um there are suddenly new characters? Lady with Huge Rack and Lady with Slightly Less Huge Rack. I will call them Luci and Pepi. I am sort of understanding early Almodovar better than ever.
1:33 p.m. When they have flashbacks on this show? The screen is split by a frantic lightning bolt! It’s fabulous. This is a flashback to a passionate love conversation. (Surprisingly.)
1:33 p.m. Wow, they are GETTING IT ON in the water in this flashback. Slightly brackish water? But they are GOING FOR IT.
1:34 p.m. PerdÃ³neme! Nunca! Making out!
1:36 p.m. I sort of used to speak Spanish a LITTLE when I lived in California, but you know how it is in New York-you forget everything you used to know here, because you’re so busy with the whole “living like rats and eating human flesh” thing.
1:37 p.m. You know what else is weird? Usually Time Warner turns off the Internet at the same time as they turn off the cable. Weird.
1:38 p.m. You know what else seems to be a must watch? 12 Corazones! “The show consists of twelve contestants divided in two groups (usually four males and eight females, but sometimes vice versa). Each of the contestants is identified and referred to by his/her Zodiac sign. In between segments, Edward’O offers advice to the contestants according to their respective Zodiac signs. Occasionally he also offers advice to popular Latin American musicians and actors when they appear on the show.”
1:39 p.m. AND? “As the show is aimed at women, the host is most exaggeratedly on the female contestants’ side. She often mocks the men, baits them to make them look dumb, and praises the ladies when they ridicule them.” And at the end it looks like someone gives someone a rose, and I LOVE shows where roses are exchanged.
1:41 p.m. Oh shit, wait, they’re announcing that new Apple thing today? Fuck. Our publisher is going to be so mad that we didn’t cover that.
1:43 p.m. Ha, they went with IPAD? *UNFUNNY MENSTRUATION JOKE HERE*
1:44 p.m. Man, La Tormenta has a cast of THOUSANDS. Now some old cowboy is holding a bruised woman hostage and yelling into his headset phone thing, which is not an Apple product?
1:45 p.m. Okay that guy on the plane with the baby seems to have delivered the baby? To someone else? “CUIDATE, JESUS!” says some woman in a off-one-shoulder gown. (Why? I mean, why off-one-shoulder?) OMG it’s not a gown, it’s just a blouse. With black slacks.
1:46 p.m. Wait, now someone else is flying a plane?
1:47 p.m. Wow, this is SO MUCH BETTER than American-people TV! I bet these people could make better gadgets than us too.
1:49 p.m. I mean, I kind of don’t need to carry around this big, breakable, kind of douchey thing that plays bad racing games and a low-rent version of Microsoft Paint, right? I have something really small and flat that checks my email and gets phone calls and stuff already.
1:51 p.m. 1–800-CANTASO!!!
1:53 p.m. Ooh, Dora the Explorer is also on. Anyway, hot guy who used to have the baby is still on the plane. Bound for LA TORMENTA, I think? Oh wait, the baby is still on the plane! There are TWO BABIES.
1:56 p.m. Tom Scocca asks: “Was there a part of the demo where he dropped it from four feet off the ground and kicked it and then it was unscratched and worked fine?” (He means the iPad, not the babies in La Tormenta.)
1:58 p.m. Huge Rack Woman is visiting some burn victim?
1:58 p.m. At no time in the watching of this TV show did I require the assistance of a giant, oversized phone with a stupid name that doesn’t appear to have a phone and that doesn’t prop up and doesn’t have a standalone keyboard.
1:59 p.m. Also? The future of online book-buying is not $15.99 e-books. Sorry!
2:00 p.m. AND THIS CONCLUDES another shocking episode of La Tormenta. What happened? WHO KNOWS. Tune in tomorrow for more of the same, in general!