Since the dawn of time man’s greatest dream has been to create an alcoholic beverage in which one can freely indulge without fear of bodily recriminations the next morning. Are we finally nearing the achievement of society’s greatest goal? To-of course-Britain!
An alcohol substitute that gives the drinker the pleasant feelings of tipsiness without an unpleasant hangover, is being developed by researchers. The team, led by drugs expert Professor David Nutt, has developed the drink using chemicals related to the sedative Valium. It works on the nerves in a similar way to alcohol causing feelings of well-being and relaxation.
Unfortunately, and isn’t this always the case, there’s a but: “But no matter how many drinks the consumer has, they should remain only mildly drunk.” Mildly drunk? Mildly drunk? Fuck that shit! I want to get paralytic. I want to wake up the next morning with a feeling of mounting dread that only increases as I check through the evening’s receipts in an attempt to piece together whatever kind of terrible, viscious unpleasantness I forced friends and complete strangers to endure. And I want to do it all with a COMPLETELY CLEAR HEAD. Screw you, British scientists, for raising false hopes. No wonder everyone gets so stabby over there.