Kiki The Amorous Tortoise: 1863-2009

"Mais oui, I raped ze handcart."

Spare a moment’s thought for Kiki, the 146-year-old tortoise who passed on this weekend in Paris after suffering an infection. A star attraction at the Ménagerie du Jardin des Plantes since 1923, Kiki captured the hearts of his French captors because of a very special trait: Turtle liked to bang.

According to Marie-Claude Bomsel, a vet at the zoo, he was so vigorous in his pursuit of female tortoises that his grunts could be heard from the other end of the zoo and the Jardin des Plantes.

“To be honest, from time to time I even saw him go after a wheelbarrow. You see what we were dealing with,” Bomsel told French radio. “That was one of his characteristics. We all loved him.”

And he was still going right up to the end.

Frédéric Lewino, a science writer at Le Point magazine, wrote that, though advanced in age, Kiki remained “fresh” to the end.

Kiki weighed 250kg and had to be moved about using a forklift.

“However crushed they were by his 250kg, the females suffered his assaults without any complaint,” he remarked.

Farewell, Kiki. Hopefully you are fucking portable conveyances in a better place now.