These two sentences: "I don't like the way he never speaks with certainty. I wish he took more interest in my career or we had more shared passions." Look at them squarely. These three things will never change. Never ever. Can you accept these things bothering you for the rest of your life? Will you respect him in 40 years if he still has never spoken with certainy? Will you trust him if he never takes an iota more interest in your career than he does today?
I have to say, it's concerning to me that you started an affair right after you got engaged. Seems like some part of you inside was shouting "Noooooo!" I'd recommend trusting your gut here.
With the affair, was part of you hoping you'd get caught and then you'd have a get-out-of-engagement free card? But then he was surprisingly forgiving and wanting to work it out and now you're feeling stuck?
Even though he's being all sweet and thus you might think you owe it to him to go through with this, you don't. If you think you're likely to be unhappy in this marriage, it is kinder to *him* to get out now, as well as kinder to yourself.
Don't worry about feeling silly about the on-again-off-again-on-again thing. Don't worry about what other people might say. You are the person who has to live your life.
I can relate so much to LW. Being there, done that. It is painful breaking up with someone that has been a big part of your life but nothing will make this right. He is who he is and you are who you are. I used to hound my first boyfriend to change, now I feel like the nerve of me, there was nothing wrong with him, we just didn't fit. Some 20 years later, I had a chance to speak to him and he is still the same person, I am single now and do not ever wish that I was back with him and I know he will take me back in a heart beat. I wish I hadn't idealized our relationship because it came at the cost of making me waste most of my 20's and making myself feel back for leaving something that just wasn't right for
When I read the last sentence of this letter, horror movie music plays in my mind.
@Mr. B I clicked play because, hey, Tegan and Sara! Don't make the same mistake I did.
I clicked through to this page just to give you guys the penny or whatever of ad revenue, but no way in hell am I clicking that play button. Thanks Balk!
lovely advice, as usual.
reading this poor woman's story, recoiling from the character of this terrible man person, and then remembering all the awful men i used to date who were exactly the same... geeze. i can't believe it took me so long to figure it out.
and i wish we didn't live in a world where from the time we are born we're encouraged to look for a prince to sweep us off our feet, and not to care about ourselves first and then, if inclined, look for someone who will care about us, too.
Great advice, as usual, Heather. One more word, though, about how at some point in your life (and I think it's usually your 20s, although leaked into my 30s for me), all guys seem like some variation of this guy. That may feel true -- but it's not. There are normal, nice guys (and women) all around but they are often not as charismatic or intense as this guy. They will not tell you they love you after meeting you, they will not heap adoration upon you, you may not get swept off your feet. And the reason why is that those things -- those things that feel so good -- are usually markers of crazy. Every single time I got swept off my feet, I got dumped on my head. When you get back into the dating pool, LW, look for slow and steady, girl.
Almost this entire scenario was on television last night, in a movie called "X and Y and Zee." The big difference being that if the woman letter writer had been in that movie, she would be going to wild parties that occurred in the actual Sixties/Seventies Time of Kuhlness, instead of now. And in the end, (Spoiler Alert) she would get hit on by Elizabeth Taylor! Anyway this woman has my sympathy. I don't think too many women out there haven't done time with such an emotional vampire. The culture seems to breed them, and Buffy is never round when she is needed to slay them the most.
I've... seen things you people wouldn't believe... Dust bunnies piled high under the dresser of your son. I swept mouse droppings in the dark under the basement refrigerator. All those... chores... will be left for humanity, like tears... in... rain. Time... to die.
wait, what about dexter, can we talk about dexter, because what the fuck, dexter