LW, this is good advice. I think you would also benefit from this: http://therumpus.net/2012/05/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-98-monsters-and-ghosts/
"While it’s true you’re haunted by your past, it’s truer that you’ve traveled spectacularly far away from it. You swam across a wide and wild sea and you made it all the way to the other side. That it feels different here on this shore than you thought it would does not negate the enormity of the distance you traversed and the strength it took you to do it."
@Myrtle @BeenThereDoneThat I hope you let yourselves grieve not getting from your fathers the love that you deserved.
@de pizan For me, weddings are the worst. I went to a string of weddings last fall, and by the last one I could not sit in the ballroom and watch the father daughter dance. I stood in the hallway and cried.
@charlsiekate "that void between the people I need in my life and the people I have in my life."
THANK YOU. That is something I've been struggling with since my dad died. I've had to let go of a looooot of expectations of people, and had to grieve that some friends that I thought would be with me through everything could just not. fucking. show. up.
@paddlepickle I am so fucking sorry. That is a a shitty fucking situation.
Remember that you can take breaks from grieving, if that is what you need to do for yourself. You can say, self, I am putting this aside until I see my therapist because right now I cannot breath because I don't know how to live. That's self care, too.
My dad passed away a couple of years ago, and I've had to consciously take breaks from the full force of my grief. Letting myself know I can come back to it makes it feel less like I'm acting, and more like I'm taking care of myself.
Thank you for writing exactly what I needed to hear today.
@cardiganboots @bittersweet I guess I've found this useful because looking down on them is a step to getting to equanimity, simply because I've let myself make these guys SO GREAT while I am SO TERRIBLE. If I wasn't terrible, why would they have left? Reversing that perception has been part of the path to seeing how things actually were.
@HeatherH And truly, isn't it a real privilege to run into these guys after you've gotten your head right and feel like you're in a good place? You've idolized them so much it's a treat to look down on them.
@Kellynsatx Right, of course the only reason that black women have unwanted pregnancies is black men. It has nothing to do with the fact that black people are disproportionately poor (because of racism) and that poor people have shitty access to reproductive health care (because of jesus christ, everything: classism, racism, misogyny, the hegemony of a particular brand of Christianity...)
Nope, definitely the black men.
LW1 - I have been where you are. The details and facts are the different, but the silence, taking on the pressure to be the "good kid," and getting completely messed up by all of it - I have been there. And let's be honest, I still kind of am. But my therapist is amazing and after a year of working with her, I am walking out of the muck. I finally believe I deserve good things in life and that I get to pursue them. I also finally get that I don't have to let people treat me like crap. So I know the "go to therapy" advice might feel cliche and like it doesn't apply to you, but believe me, it can be transformative.