@flossy The letter writer herself seemed like no great shakes, either. That list of things that made her tiny mohawk man acceptable read like a list of things from a poorly-written 80's teen flick that might make a Snob like a Slob. Lady needs to grow up a bit, I think.
@479282710@twitter Indeed. Another thing I kinda didn't exactly say in there too is that sometimes you get called an elitist just for showing up. You might be doing just fine with everybody else, but the family hothead just isn't having it. And because you were trying to do the Right Thing and show up, swallow your pride and Just For Today it all over the place, you now have to put up with someone who thinks your life is some sort of insult to theirs. And if you say something back, you're the troublemaker.
I don't know any better advice than to just tell people to walk away from families that are toxic in large numbers. The point could be made that there's far worse things than having to argue with a blowhard all afternoon, but the point is that you shouldn't have to as a condition of seeing one's loved ones. You have agency; that's what being an adult is.
@Gretathejeta Well, I was mostly kidding with how I worded the response, but I have had plenty of times where I was more than happy not to talk religion/politics with relatives or strangers who I didn't see eye to eye with, and they wouldn't let it go. When I tried to demur politely, that's when it suddenly became "Oh, so I guess the tolerant people aren't so tolerant of other people's views, huh?" When all it really was was me just wanting to keep the peace and not seeing us debating things contributing to the overall good.
And yes; I've seen too many times where someone thinks they're Speaking Truth to Power when they proclaim their sexual orientation or atheism or whatever to a roomful of people who didn't ask. What they're actually doing is Annoying the Relatives, which is something else. I'm not sure what I've seen more of though: that thing or the usual Relatives Putting You On the Spot number.
@Gretathejeta Yeah, that's a common complaint from You People.
This might well be the first time I disagree with Polly. Here's my advice:
First off, you are indeed an adult, and these gatherings aren't good for you. They also do your relationship with your mom no good, either. As far as your lady being "proud of you" for forcing yourself to go to this shit-fest, don't count on it.
Secondly, while time is indeed a factor -she's not gonna be alive/active/alert forever- you still can see her plenty of other times when there's not a small army of annoying assholes in her house. She either will or will not understand this, but again; you're a fucking adult, and must be able to write your own ticket. Any sort of "three months later, he was dead" type guilt-trippery is just over the damn top: hey, tomorrow You might be dead. We can only know so much.
Thirdly, when you've reminded your mom that there's other days in the year and other siblings she could harass, the discussion needs to end. Same as when the Christer children wanna throw Pascal's Wager at you for the twelfth time; you say, "I'm not gonna do that," politely. Then tell them politely again. Then, since they probably have no grace or social skills, they'll wanna try again, and that's when you tell them Rudely. You and your mom love each other, and that's why both of you need to make efforts not to poison it. Show her how.
On Sure, Leave
Better still? Since this is a Slate story, it will feature some variety of "How you're doing it wrong."
I'm honestly not joking when I ask: who the fuck is Marisa Silver?
Damn. This makes me happy that she's the advice columnist here, and not me. I'd probably be like, "It sounds like you overreact to everything, and fuck if I know how to cure that," which would be entirely unhelpful, and so again; good thing someone else does this job. Does it well, too.
But even if it was "catch as catch," what the hell would that mean?
I'm pretty sure that a "caution" sign popping up in your outbox does indeed mean the piece never got sent. So try sending it again. Mind you, I know that wasn't really the thrust of the question...