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On Ask Polly: Should I Cut My Abusive Mother Out of My Life Forever?

I grew up with an alcoholic father and enabling mother. My childhood, which grew much much worse when I became a teen, was a combination of neglect and emotional abuse. Emotional/verbal abuse in front of relatives, neighbors, the family friends, my friends. I was scapegoated and made to feel bad about myself for any possible reason. When I discovered at 13 that I was "gifted" and realizing that my parents clearly were not that smart, made me call them out for their bad behavior, time and again. It only made my situation exponentially worse. To not get the support you need as a child/teenager from you parents, because they are too caught up in their own drama, is difficult to understand at the time. To have relatives enabling a mother's bad behavior and join in on the scapegoating and blaming of the child for unrelated problems, is inexcusable all around. I couldn't wait to leave home, even though my mother tried everything she could to deter me and keep me around for prolonged abuse. Then she didn't want me to come home again but she didn't want to leave me alone.

As an adult, after my father's death, she became needy. I had my own life, my own freedom. She wanted to know what was going on with me, but not to actually get to know me as a person. Sadly, after she passed on, I regreted not trying harder to stay in touch, to get beyond the years upon years of abuse and neglect and to try and develop an adult relationship with her, and now there's nothing I can do about it.

My advice to MAM, is that you have no reason to excuse her behavior and what happened in your childhood. You don't have try to look beyond it if you don't want to. However, if you can let her into your life just enough and not get caught up in old emotional drama, if you keep her at a reasonable distance, you might be able to develop an adult relationship with her. You might not. (I have a friend who seems unable to do so with her mother and I see how getting caught up in neverending drama poisons every single relationship and every single choice she continues to make in her life.) Don't be that person, you are worth more than that. Invite her to your wedding but realize that you now have other commitments both to yourself, to your new family and new extended family, and to your future. Try not to engage her. Surround yourself with a buffer of good people and a good situation. Try not to be revenge-abusive to her. It would be more difficult to live with the regret of not having invited her to your wedding if your relationship ever levels out. And it may not, but it's a situation where you only get that one chance. I will never get that chance.

Posted on July 30, 2014 at 7:50 pm 1

On Ask Polly: How Do I Know If I Should Break Off My Engagement?

Feeling Bad has dedicated how many years to hoping that the only man they've ever been in a relationship with suddenly become as involved in it as they are? That the sex will magically improve? That they'll have more shared interests because he suddenly becomes, what, an entirely different man? Here's a question: How many potentially available men are out there in the world to meet, date, have flings with, and hopefully fall in love with? And wouldn't FB rather, I don't know, just learn to do things alone, enjoy their passions alone, and go deep enough alone, than continue wasting the seemingly tireless effort on one other person who just isn't enough/right/involved/connected? I guarantee that FB gaining some independence would equal considerably less frustration/depression/mediocrity. Along the way, with some effort, guys will come along who FB will connect with deeply, who will mean great sex, who will share plenty of the same passions. From experience, if you don't feel like you are really connecting/going deep enough after, say, six months, it's just not going to happen. Sometimes there's just no "there", there, and it's only a shallow wading pool.

Posted on March 12, 2014 at 8:54 pm 0

On The Olds Don't Know Where Facebook Is

It's these kinds of self-absorbed youngs who also say that they are "curators" of easily reproduced information on their blog or their Tumblr. Please.

Posted on August 5, 2013 at 2:39 pm 5

On Millennial Fired For Tweet

Regardless of the author's youth and inexperience, the order was large enough to hold up the line, and tipping would have been a reasonable thing to do if nothing else. The author though might have tweeted something along the lines of "Our food truck employees always love tips for huge orders because we are epic" or some such comment. It would have indirectly singled out Glass Lewis without specifically shaming them in front of others -- they, if they had a clue, hopefully would have thought, I wonder if that's us? The author may have kept their job and next time Glass Lewis hopefully would have tipped to make up for it. However if these people from Glass Lewis are young and entitled themselves, no amount of badgering would make them tip for food service regardless, at a food truck or elsewhere.

Posted on July 31, 2013 at 11:42 am 0

On Is Rick Moody Too Wealthy to Criticize Taylor Swift?

So a manufactured, prepackaged pop "product" called Taylor Swift is therefore automatically worse than one who isn't privileged, regardless of quality (or lack thereof?) Privilege complaining about privilege, in public? How declasse.

Posted on January 22, 2013 at 2:17 pm 0

On Take A Minute To Watch The New Way We Make Web Headlines Now

45 Ways Informal Use of Language In Today's News Headlines Imitate Tacky Web Banner Ads

Posted on January 17, 2013 at 1:49 pm 1

On GOP Sen. Candidate: "Kitty Likes To Scratch"

Akin sure has a lot of skeletons-dressed-up-like-mommy in his closet when it comes to his issues with women.

Posted on September 28, 2012 at 12:06 pm 0

On The Rise And Fall Of Grunge Typography

One element of the grunge design look is making something of a resurgence, as distressed/destroyed/foregrounded textures as detailing in vintage font/lettering styles. There's a growing concern with trying to make computer designs not look like they were designed on a computer, and certainly not designed within the past 20 years. However if none of it was actually designed on a computer, it wouldn't be considered grunge, it would be punk.

Posted on August 22, 2012 at 12:36 pm 0

On The Littlest Printer, for the Curator™ in Your Life

The only things this is lacking is a graphic of a handlebar mustache, a faux wood finish, and the terms "artisan" and "21st century digital printing press".

Posted on August 14, 2012 at 12:43 pm 1

On Reviews of White Noise Recordings

So Merzbow's Pulse Demon and Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music are not the white noise recordings you are looking for.

Posted on August 10, 2012 at 11:42 am 0