record collector, michelada drinker, oakland dweller.

On Ask Polly: I Want to Get Laid But I'm Afraid of Oppressing Women

my biggest crush in middle school and high school had a hyphenated last name. i, too, technically have a hyphenated last name but it pretty much only existed on my birth certificate and i was known only by my father's name. in the 8th grade, after a year of crushing heavily, i decided to register for school with my correct, legal, hyphenated last name in some bizarre and poorly calculated show of solidarity. needless to say, it did not work, people made fun of me, and by high school i'd gone back to the name everybody i'd gone to school with forever knew me by. in hindsight i felt like a condescending asshole for thinking that it would have worked; like this weird attempt to relate could counteract all the weird, shy, dickish things i almost certainly did. this letter feels like the long form adult version of that stupid move.

also, i learned a few years later that her hyphenated name was actually her biological father's last name and her step-father's last name so the joke was even further on me.

Posted on July 23, 2014 at 4:44 pm 1

On The Hair of War

uhhhh, end of watch was, not unexpectedly, terrible, and racist, and unbelievable. i missed the fun part.

Posted on June 26, 2014 at 3:34 pm 0

On Bleaching the Jury Pool

ugh, season 2 is the best. it's season 3 and season 5 that are the stinkers. CAN BROOKLYN HIPSTERS GET ANYTHING RIGHT?

Posted on June 17, 2014 at 4:21 pm 0

On A Postcard from San Francisco

you sound like an asshole.

Posted on May 14, 2014 at 4:59 pm 5

On How To Not Barf

at the risk of sounding too much like the crunchy granola dipshit i am constantly fighting back into the recesses of my personality, activated charcoal works for REAL. and grapefruit seed extract as a preemptive measure.

Posted on April 29, 2014 at 4:00 pm 0

On Raymond Chandler, In Order

the funny thing about raymond chandler is that his best books are actually written by ross macdonald.

Posted on March 26, 2014 at 3:51 pm 0

On Childbirth, "I Only Fucked You As A Joke"

meh. i guess i'm just an old curmudgeon but somehow this shit is a whole lot less fun when you know the band's parents raised them on a steady diet of kill rock stars and siltbreeze. taylor swift sounds edgier to me at this point.

Posted on December 12, 2013 at 4:03 pm 0

On Could A Young Bob Dylan Make It Now?

@apb those dudes are the donovans of this generation.

Posted on December 6, 2013 at 3:54 pm 0

On Fries, In Order

you clearly have just not had proper home fries.

also, the secret to fries is any of the following instead of ketchup (catsup?):
1. mustard
2. green tabasco
3. worcestershire

Posted on September 25, 2013 at 2:52 pm 1