On For When You're Not Drinking Straight From The Bottle
Still waiting for that "wide-mouthed" wine bottle.
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On Alcohol Good
No, it just means that a mutant strain of worms will eventually
take over, and consume all of our alcohol (and live forever).
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On Elements of Trolldom: Katie Roiphe and Pico Iyer
You could also just own an old Apple computer, which quits randomly
while online... in fact, why not also buy a car which some days
just won't start?
(I never realized I was so much on the cutting edge)
1
On Obese People Like Fatty Food
Is this like when drinkers have a harder time not-drinking than non-drinkers?
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On Scientists Discover Happy Teens
@DoctorDisaster Single Malt, one hopes!
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On The 13 Worst Things I Found on Craigslist While Looking for a NYC Sublet
@hockeymom THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME LAUGH FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOUR DAYS.
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On The Late Great Planet Earth
I really don't understand why we CAN'T put a positive spin on all of this.
World ends in 2012? Fine, we've had enough anyway. I have.
I say it needs re-branding:
(Get Ready for the "Mayan Shift!")
(Your Sinus Infections Will be Forever Gone!)
(Your Ex will either appear on his/her knees, or simply vanish in a cloud of
$100 bills!)
(Your headaches from $7 wine will disappear!) (
You'll be able to get in shape again,
without once again damaging your knee, because you will be lighter and more sure-footed!
Indians will help you with this! They will just appear!) All yu have to do is give them their land back!
And so on..
"Your car will suddenly work again and skyrocket in value!"
"The 15 degree magnetic shift in the Earth will result in your facial wrinkles smoothing out,
as if you are lying on your back! (check photo)
"Lily Thomlin's "Forty Miles of Bad Road" will finally air on HBO!"
It's all good? Get it?
So.. beat the religious control freaks at their own game.
WORLDWIDE ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN
"Yes, I Will Do My Part When End Times Happen! I will stand ready with a hose and a broom!
I will Clean Up Their Mess, and their greed." And Take Their Cars. Or at least borrow them
and care for them"
I will make asteroid-proof umbrellas.
What are you going to do?
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On UFOs and Mario Lopez, Holocaust Memorials and Sitcom Players
Back in 1979 LA, I bought a 1962 Mercury (because they were cheap at the time), and
one day, in my first month, I pulled up to a stop light.
I had a slight leak in the left front tire.)
Pulling out from the opposite side
of the street was a woman with long, blond, straight hair...
who shouted to me " "Honey, get some air in your tire!"
I felt as if I were in a place I finally wanted to be.
(I'm afraid it was all downhill after that).
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On When You Assume, It Makes An Assange Out Of You and Me
OOh.... I smell a man-crush!
Ball's in your court, Doctor!
(well, at least one of them..)
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On Pleasant-Sounding Name Not Totally Accurate
Will it work with Afrin? Because I have been really
congested lately!