I'm just like all of you, only more so.

On Mean Dead Guy App Says You Don't Write Well

44 of 44 sentences were about The Real World. Aim for a gazelle or large carnivore.

Posted on February 12, 2014 at 4:09 pm 2

On Hot New App Already Filled With Garbage

Any girls wanna smoke. 34m San Francisco.

Posted on February 5, 2014 at 1:56 pm 0

On Moby Lonely, Warm

What with the megadrought, it sounds like Alex's frozen corpse and Moby's desiccated one can have a tits-up tete-a-tete.

Posted on February 4, 2014 at 12:49 pm 0

On What If These TED Talks Were Horribly, Unspeakably Wrong?

Can we take a moment to talk about the headset mics? Because I totally remember watching Eric Kandel speak and thinking, "If only he were more like Janet Jackson."

Posted on January 17, 2014 at 3:17 pm 1

On Sexiness Barrier Broken, Sexily

I remember when Fairuza Balk was horribly maimed trying to get over that barrier.

Posted on December 19, 2013 at 2:27 pm 0

On What's Left Of Pop Music In The Miley Era?

I know Paramore entirely through their cover of "Stuck on You." I am happy that I'm not the only person who remembers Failure. That the other four people who remember Failure are all younger and prettier than I am makes me feel less gratified. Here endeth the entirety of my thoughts about Paramore.

Posted on December 16, 2013 at 4:11 pm 1

On No We Are Not Joking About The Great Mind-Wasting Horror That Is The DMV

I spent 17 hours trying to get my car registered in NYC due to the simple, elegant fact that my hyphenated last name is so long, it gets truncated at different points depending on the form I've filled out. At one point, I went outside, stared at Horace Greeley, and screamed "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SO SMUG ABOUT?!!" before my girlfriend force-fed me bibimbap and xanax.

Posted on December 11, 2013 at 3:11 pm 1

On No We Are Not Joking About The Great Mind-Wasting Horror That Is The DMV

@Myrtle I don't care what that Mister Orbach did, your father and I made you those eyes.

Posted on December 11, 2013 at 3:06 pm 0

On No We Are Not Joking About The Great Mind-Wasting Horror That Is The DMV

@Myrtle Mom, it's my kidney and I'll give it to whomever I like. Gawd.

Posted on December 11, 2013 at 3:05 pm 0

On You Won't Believe Whose Feelings Are Getting Hurt Now

It sounds pejorative because it's supposed to be pejorative. We use it because "asshole" is too general, encompassing as it does techies and Willie Brown.

AND ALSO! Just when you've think they've got to be, at the very least, smart enough not to equate "techie" with a racial slur...

Posted on December 4, 2013 at 2:55 pm 0