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Multiphasic

Multiphasic

I'm just like all of you, only more so.

On What If These TED Talks Were Horribly, Unspeakably Wrong?

Can we take a moment to talk about the headset mics? Because I totally remember watching Eric Kandel speak and thinking, "If only he were more like Janet Jackson."

Posted on January 17, 2014 at 3:17 pm 1

On Sexiness Barrier Broken, Sexily

I remember when Fairuza Balk was horribly maimed trying to get over that barrier.

Posted on December 19, 2013 at 2:27 pm 0

On What's Left Of Pop Music In The Miley Era?

I know Paramore entirely through their cover of "Stuck on You." I am happy that I'm not the only person who remembers Failure. That the other four people who remember Failure are all younger and prettier than I am makes me feel less gratified. Here endeth the entirety of my thoughts about Paramore.

Posted on December 16, 2013 at 4:11 pm 1

On No We Are Not Joking About The Great Mind-Wasting Horror That Is The DMV

I spent 17 hours trying to get my car registered in NYC due to the simple, elegant fact that my hyphenated last name is so long, it gets truncated at different points depending on the form I've filled out. At one point, I went outside, stared at Horace Greeley, and screamed "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SO SMUG ABOUT?!!" before my girlfriend force-fed me bibimbap and xanax.

Posted on December 11, 2013 at 3:11 pm 1

On No We Are Not Joking About The Great Mind-Wasting Horror That Is The DMV

@Myrtle I don't care what that Mister Orbach did, your father and I made you those eyes.

Posted on December 11, 2013 at 3:06 pm 0

On No We Are Not Joking About The Great Mind-Wasting Horror That Is The DMV

@Myrtle Mom, it's my kidney and I'll give it to whomever I like. Gawd.

Posted on December 11, 2013 at 3:05 pm 0

On You Won't Believe Whose Feelings Are Getting Hurt Now

It sounds pejorative because it's supposed to be pejorative. We use it because "asshole" is too general, encompassing as it does techies and Willie Brown.

AND ALSO! Just when you've think they've got to be, at the very least, smart enough not to equate "techie" with a racial slur...

Posted on December 4, 2013 at 2:55 pm 0

On The 12 Biggest Mistakes You Can Make On Medium

@hockeymom Try being the Tom Ford of cheese instead.

Posted on November 6, 2013 at 5:55 pm 0

On RIP HAT

And Artichoke is a place where a poor twentysomething with $40 in his pocket can, if not eat like a king, develop coronary plaques of a certain regal sheen.

Posted on November 4, 2013 at 1:26 pm 0

On What Does Your Coffee Say About You? And... Is It Something Terrible?

You're overlooking one other important difference between coffee and almost everything else on the market: it's addictive. If you're a regular suckler at the caffeinated bean-teat, you need it in the morning or you will beat someone to death.

This fact alone means I will not get fancy coffee. I am addicted, you got me, you don't get rewards for your cleverness with undertones and your meticulous hand-chalking. If I can't go to a bodega (fucking California and it's weird laws against behind-the-counter coffee pots) I'll go to 7-11. I will not sing the praises of Philz/Blue Bottle any more than I will go track down a Zeta and tip him for his dedication to craft.

Posted on October 29, 2013 at 7:53 pm 0